Fear Management is a very important dimension in life. There’s
a beautiful story I read, Mullah
Nasserudin a sufi character was
driving his car & his friend observed that every time there was a honking
of a lorry Mullah used to literally shiver. At the end of this journey his
friend asked “Mullah why is that only the honking of a lorry you seem to shiver
not the honking of any other vehicle?” Mullah said, “My wife has been eloped by
a lorry driver. Since my wife has been eloped by a lorry driver, every time
there’s a honking of a vehicle I’m scared the lorry driver will return the wife
back to me!”
Friends you see this lot of people’s life’s lived out of
fear. It's said in the Veda that everybody’s life seems to be running out of
fear, fear, fear so life can so life can be fear oriented living or life can be
love oriented living. And the greatest gift you can give to yourself if you can
transform your life from fear oriented living to love oriented living. This
transformation will make your life very juicy, very happy & very alive. If
you closely observe even people pray & their prayers are also out of fear.
And hence is the expression, “you’ve to be GOD fearing.” GOD is not something
to be feared, GOD is something to be loved & therefore even our prayers are
also born out of fear & if your prayers are born out of fear then you’ll
find unconsciously you become manipulative in your very prayer itself. I always
feel people are so unconscious but because of unconsciousness they aren’t aware
of the fact that they’re so manipulative that they themselves aren’t aware that
they’re manipulative. The height of manipulation is you yourself aren’t aware
that you’re manipulative. And when you live out of fear even your prayer is out
of fear there’s a subtle unconscious manipulation happens.
There was a person who wanted to cross the river & he had
put all his money to build a beautiful palace & therefore the final
completion of his palace he wanted to inaugurate the beautiful palace that he
had built & as he was crossing the river, suddenly there was a storm &
the boat was about to be sunk. Suddenly this man turned to be very religious,
he kneeled down & prayed, “Oh Lord, please save me! Please save me!” &
if you save me I promise you, I’ll sell the palace & offer it the poor, at
least I’ll have the opportunity of seeing the palace that I’ve constructed. He
kneeled down & turned to be very religious & suddenly like a miracle
the Lord heard his prayer & the storm subsided & the boat was no more
threatened to be sunk & suddenly this man realised, I think I was too fast
in making a deal with the Lord. Maybe I was too fast & as the soliloquy was
going on in his mind, again the storm became turbulent, the boat was about to
be sunk & again this man kneeled down & said, “Oh Lord I was only
joking with you, can’t you take a joke lightly? I promise you when I see the
palace; I’ll sell the palace & offer it to the poor.” Again the storm
subsided & now he knew that I better sell the palace & offer it to the
poor. He came to the other side of the shore; he saw the beautiful palace &
his manipulative mind created a device. He bought a cat, tied the cat to the
palace & started announcing to people, he says “anybody who buys the
palace, you can buy it for only Rupees 100 but whoever buys the palace must buy
the cat & the cat is Rupees 5 million. He went on making this announcement.
One of them bought the palace gave Rupees 100, bought the cat which is Rupees 5
million & then an interesting thing happened. He went to the temple, said
“Oh Lord I’ll keep up my word, now I said the price of the palace I’m giving it
to the poor, the price of the palace is only Rupees 100 so you take it, the cat
is my cat.” And he takes Rupees 5 million & goes away.
We’re so manipulative that we ourselves are not aware, we’re
manipulative. So if your life is lived out of fear even our prayers become
highly manipulative & therefore the greatest gift that we owe ourselves is
transform fear oriented living to love oriented living & if that happens you
find your life becomes extremely powerful or else, your life is lived out of
fear & when your life is lived out of fear there’s no strength in life,
there’s no power in life & therefore fear has to be transformed.
Goodness should come from strength & not from weakness. I
find a lot of people are good but their goodness is not coming from strength.
They’re good because they’ve no courage to be bad. When you’ve no courage to be
bad & then you’re good, your goodness is not coming from strength & if
goodness comes from strength then you’ll find life is very, very powerful. And
your goodness cannot come from strength because there’s always an undercurrent
fear, fear, fear & this fear literally starts eating people’s life. To
handle fear from a Yogic approach, from a wise approach is a very important
education that we’ve to expose ourselves.
People always come & say Swamijee, “How to handle fear?” First I tell them, you know what is
the meaning of fear? Or what’s the spelling of the word fear? ‘FEAR’. Most of
people’s fears are fantasised experienced appearing real. You know in my
workshop called “Life program” It’s a 3 days workshop, I work on using
spirituality for self-development. I always make people come there & say,
how many of you’re scared of public speaking & there’ll always be a group
of people who’re scared. I make people come up there, stand on the stage &
just tell them, just look at the audience & if possible say a few words
& you’ll find people shivering, just looking at the audience, people are
scared. Their legs are jittering, hands are shaking, they’re just looking at
the audience.
Then I tell people, study has shown there are 3 to 4 great
fears & you’ve to be aware of these 3 to 4 fears & handle it wisely. 1
of the greatest fears according to research, the fear of public speaking, 2nd
fear of death, 3rd is the fear of insecurity, 4th is the
fear of rejection. And of all the fears the fear of public speaking, people are
afraid more than the fear of death. So I make people stand & say, what is
it that you’re really afraid of? And you’ll find they don’t know what they’re
afraid of. They say, Swamijee I’ve
never spoken in the public & therefore I’m scared. I say if you’ve never
spoken in front of public now you’re in front of public so feel happy about it
but then they’re scared & then we explore into this fear & I tell them
see your fear is simply a fantasised experience appearing real. It’s
fantasising & you’re scared about it. So to handle fear especially when
there’s a fear of public speaking I give them the 3 ease techniques. I say 1st
experience your fear, 2nd enjoy it, 3rd explore it. So
therefore in these encountering sessions in my life program, I make people
stand & then their legs start shivering, shaking I ask them, now experience
your fear, what is the experience of your nervousness. I ask this question.
They say, “I’m just nervous.” I say, “What is the experience of your
nervousness?” And so often I find people can’t find articulate the experience,
they’re more busier giving an explanation why they’re afraid rather the
experience of their nervousness & invariably now I make them realise, your
experience of nervousness is what? Is just my legs are shaking, my hand is
shaking, & then I tell them, “Can you experience the experience of your
nervousness?”
Listen carefully friends, can you experience the experience
of your nervousness? Now this may appear to be a simple statement but is so
difficult for people to experience. We don’t experience an experience. We’re
too busy, interpreting an experience; we’re too busy judging an experience, we’re
too busy evaluating an experience. I tell them drop all that just experience
innocently your nervousness. Your legs are shaking means what, your legs are
shaking. Lot of people go the disco to make it shake & without a disco your
legs are shaking, beautiful! Just experience it I say.
We don’t experience an experience, isn’t it friends? Doesn’t
it happen so often, you go to a doctor, he brings an injection, you turn your
head this side & he touches you & you scream & the doctor said “I’ve
only put alcohol strip itself, I’ve not even injected.” Now the anticipation of
pain is sometimes more painful than pain itself. So we’re not with an
experience, we’re more with an explanation of an experience.
Now this is a very important principle. In Taoism it is
called “Tha Ta Tha” Tha Ta Tha means can you experience the
suchness of what is. In Yoga we call it “satta”
can you experience the satta means
the is-ness of what is & if you can learn to practice this, it is so
beautiful. You’re eating your food, can you experience the experience of
eating. You’re taking a bath; can you experience the experience of taking a bath,
but what happens to us? You’re eating your food, you’re thinking of the bath.
When you’re taking the bath, you think of your boss, when you meet your boss,
you think of your wife. When you meet of your wife, you think of your boss’s
wife. And thus you don’t experience an experience; you’ve always got somewhere,
so if you can learn to practice this & it’ll help you very much in fear
management. Whatever you’re doing, experience the experience. You’re listening
to me, experience the experience. You’re seated on the chair, experience the
experience. You’re walking, experience. So I make my students stand & when
their legs are shaking, I just tell them experience the experience of your legs
shaking & when they start experiencing the experience & not judging,
evaluating then you’ll find the experience is such an innocent beautiful
experience. So 1st experience, 2nd can you simply enjoy
the experience, because unconsciously they aren’t enjoying the experience. So
experience, 2nd I say learn to enjoy, the legs are shaking, I say,
enjoy your legs shaking, it’s so beautiful, means your nervous system is very
alive. Their hands are shaking good, enjoyed, learn to go on enjoying, whatever
you’re doing then you’ll find the whole quality of experience is different. So
they’re standing on the stage, 1st I make them experience after some
time I ask them, how do you feel? Now your tension would’ve reduced, then I
bring in the dimension can you enjoy & say beautiful your legs are shaking,
beautiful my hands are shaking. When the moment you learn to enjoy it, fear
reduces. You’ve a different strength of handling it.
Lastly I say can we explore this fear of public speaking
& when we explore, people give lot of explanation. Swamijee, I’ve never spoken in the public, it’s the first time in
the public therefore I’m scared. I tell them the 1st time you get
married you’re not scared, 1st time you go to Switzerland you’re not
scared so what is the genesis of this fear, can you explore & when we
slowly explore, we find, the genesis of fear is this, we’re caught up in the
structure called ‘looking good.’
There are 3 important structures, there’s looking good,
feeling good & being good. You’re standing in front of the people, now
you’re scared that genesis of fear is your looking good not physically but
psychologically you want to look good. Psychologically what are people talking
about me. They may criticise me, they may say I’m not a good speaker, they may
say I’m such an idiot. Now their speaking starts breaking a certain image that
you want in their eyes & the image that you want is that you want people to
look at you, as you want them to say is a good person. You’re caught up in this
game called looking good, not looking good physically but psychologically
looking good. We’ve an image about ourselves & we want our image to be
endorsed & respected by the other person & if somebody doesn’t endorse
your image, your image gets stabbed. There’s a big psychological sickness that
we’re caught up in this game called looking good. Looking good is different
from being good. Your whole genesis of fear, what will people talk about you
& if they talk negative your image gets stabbed, so therefore you’re caught
up in this image game.”
Now you’ve to learn to develop another value system, learn 1st
to have the value of being good, based on being good, learn to feel good &
lastly give this priority of looking good. But at present people’s priorities
are confused. They want first the looking good & last the being good. So I
help people to reorganise their priorities. The most important priority is
being good, based on being good, feeling good & lastly looking good &
when you’ve this you’ll find many of the fears, especially the fear of public
speaking will just drop away.
There was 1 student of mine, who did my workshop in Chennai.
And she came to me & said, “Swamijee
I’m very unhappy.” She was a young girl, hardly about 21 to 22 years. She
became a widow at the age of 18 years & she was feeling very lonely & I
asked her “why can’t you get married?” to which she said, “Swamijee how can I get married? I’m an orthodox South Indian
Brahmin.” I asked her, “Is it wrong for you get married?” She says, “No it’s
not wrong for me to get married but what’ll people talk if I’ll get married?” I
asked her, “What are people talking about you now?” She said people are talking
about me that I’m a satya-savitri, I’m
a very good girl, so people are talking good about me.” But I asked her, “Are
you feeling good? You’re looking good in their eyes, but are you feeling good?”
She says, “No I’m not feeling good.” Then I asked her, “Are you being good to
yourself?” She said, “No I’m not being good to myself.” Then I said, “You’re
only caught up in looking good & you’ve sacrificed feeling good & being
good for the sake of looking good. All this is because your priorities are all
messed up. And therefore if you can reorganise your priorities 1st
on being good, based on that feeling good & lastly looking good, you’ll
find you’ll be able to manage your fear much better.” Many of our fears is all
the fear, what will people talk about me.
It’s like this beautiful story. A father & a son were
going along with a donkey. The father sat on the donkey & people started
telling in that village, “Ah what type of man he is? Young son is walking &
the father is seated on the donkey.” The father heard this so he got down &
made their son sit on the donkey. Again villagers started speaking, “What type
of father he is? The old man is walking; the young son is seated on the donkey.
What type of education he’s giving.” He heard this & again both of them sat
on the donkey. Again villagers started talking, “What type of father he is? so
much of cruelty to the animal, both of them are seated on the donkey.” Again he
heard this, both of them got down & the donkey was alone & they were
walking with the side. Again villagers spoke, “What type of father he is?
They’re not making use of the donkey. The donkey is walking alone.” The only
choice left is both of them were carrying the donkey.
This is what happens. You’re too caught up what people will
say. People will say anything. In Hindi there’s an expression, “Logon ka kaam hai kehna” Always they’ll
be talking, so therefore you’re too caught up in looking good, the whole
orientation changes & therefore friends, 1st is learn to
reorganise, your priorities, many of it are caught up in the game of looking
good & if you can reorganise being good, based on feeling good, looking
good should be the last priority. Then you’ll find, you’ll be able to handle
your simple fear of public speaking in a much better way.
The 1st great fear is the fear of public speaking.
The 2nd great fear is the fear of death. Lot of people are afraid of
death. We’re afraid of death, for we look at death as an enemy to life. But if
you can reorganise your perception, your paradigm, & Yoga helps us in
reorganising our paradigm. Don’t look at death as an enemy to life as an end of
life. Look at death as an encounter in the spectrum of life. Your perception
towards death if it changes, what Yoga invites us to do, don’t look at death as
an end. It’s only an incident in the spectrum of life. It’s like changing a
house. When you change your house, it doesn’t mean to say that you’ve to scared
of. So to death is only an incident in the spectrum of life.
Lord Krishna in the Gita says, “Ah don’t be scared, just
look, death is constantly being happening.” You’re born as a child, then you
become a youth, then you’re dead to your child. You’re born to youth, again
become middle age, you’re dead to youth, you’re born to middle age. Then again
you become old, you’re dead to the middle age, you’re born to the new age &
therefore death is constantly happening. Right now today is gone. The next
moment is born so death is not an end of life. Death in fact is the very
platform from which life emerges. So if you change your perception of death as
an end of life then you’ll find your experience of death is an experience to be
experienced in the spectrum of life.
Somebody came to a famous Indian poet & asked him this
question, “I’m scared of death what should I do?” And this poet said
beautifully, “Why are you afraid of death, if you can learn to trust life. Then
you’ll learn to trust even death.” And he gives a beautiful example, he says “even
before you’re born; GOD has been so kind; milk is created in the breast of your
mother, even before you’re born. If this is the kindness of nature, the
kindness of existence, even before you’re born, so too when you’re living, who
knows, there can be another world, which is being already created. Learn to
trust.
We’re really not afraid of the unknown. People tell me, “Swamijee,
the fear of death is the fear of the unknown.” I always tell them, how can
there be a fear of the unknown? Are you afraid of lada-lodai? Now what is lada-lodai,
gaba-gabai? Now lada-lodai, gaba-gabai, you
don’t know & if you don’t know, you can’t be afraid of. You’re only afraid
of the fear of losing the known. Not that you’re afraid of the unknown. This
poet says “even before you’re born nature has been so kind, so too as you’re
living, there can be another world created to you.” So therefore learn to trust
& if you can bring this energy called trust in your life, you’ll find
you’ll be able to get over the fear of death. Hence Lord Krishna in the Gita
says, “Learn to have shraddha he
says.”
Once when you’ve trust, then you’ll find life becomes
extremely powerful & you can manage your fear wisely. Listen to this
beautiful sufi story. There was a
sufi mystique who got married & after marriage he hasn’t even spend a
night. The marriage party had to cross the river & suddenly there was a
storm. And when there was a storm the whole boat was about to be sunk. Now this
sufi mystique was very relaxed,
because the necessary people were balancing the boat. But the sufi mystique’s wife got angry at the
husband & said, “are you not scared that we’re going to die? We’ve not even
lived for 1 day of married life & so many years we’re in a romantic
relationship, are you not scared?” To which the sufi mystique said, “I’m not scared.” The wife asked, “What is the
secret of you not being afraid?” He got up, took out the knife & charged at
her, he put the knife under her neck & said I’m going to kill you &
asked the wife, “Are you scared?” And the wife said, “I’m not scared, the
husband said, “What is the secret of you not being scared?” To which the wife
said, “The knife maybe dangerous but the 1 who’s wielding the knife, loves me
very much & therefore I’m not scared.” Exactly the same way the sufi mystique said, “The waves maybe
dangerous but the 1 who’s wielding the waves, the Lord loves me very much &
I trust that & therefore I’m not scared.” And if you’ve the power of trust,
you’ll find, you’ll be able to sail through, storms of life in a much different
way.
In the Indian tradition, which says, the moment you’ve trust
you’ll automatically have this attitude, whatever happens, happens for your own
good. And when you’ve this attitude, you’ll find you’ll be able to manage fear
in a much better way. There’s a very beautiful story, a king & a minister went
out for hunting, suddenly a tiger attacked & the king killed the tiger. In
the process of killing the tiger he lost his thumb. He was very sad that he has
lost his thumb. The minister had exposed himself to Yoga & therefore he
told the king, “Maharaja don’t have to be sad, whatever happens, happens for
your own good.” The king got very annoyed & he said, “I’ve lost my thumb, &
you say whatever happens, happens for my own good.” It was not appropriate on
the part of the minister to say at that time. The king got so annoyed, caught
hold of the minister & pushed him in the well nearby & fortunately the
well had little water, so he was saved. And then the king asked the minister
“Whatever has happened is this for your own good?” And the minister says,
“Whatever happens is for my own good.” The king cursed, he said “what a silly
thing, this fellow is in the well & says, this’s for my own good.” He
leaves the forest, leaving the minister in the well & as he was going, he
went to the neighbour’s village & there a group of Kali worshippers caught
hold of the king. Kali worshippers are a group of people who believe in human
sacrifice. They caught hold of the king & said, “We’re going to offer you
as balidaan”. We’re offering human
sacrifice to Goddess Kali. Their tradition is if you offer, human sacrifice,
GOD will be pleased. This king said, “Please don’t do this. I’m the king of the
neighbouring kingdom.” But the Kali worshippers said, “It’s still more good, it’s
blue blood that we’re offering.” The king cursed, “What’s happening?” And the
next day when the chief priest came to do balidaan,
the chief priest saw the king’s thumb, has been cut & he said, “Please
release the king & send him off” because in their tradition, any ahuti should be purna-ahuti. Any offering should be a complete offering &
therefore GOD will get angry so send him off. The king was very happy, because
his thumb is lost, his life was lost, if thumb was there, he would’ve been
offered & then he remembered, what the minister said, “Whatever happens,
happens for my own good.” He comes running back to the forest, takes the
minister out from the well, touches his feet, offers his apology & then
explains whatever has happened. To which the minister says, “Please don’t thank
me, don’t apologise to me. What you did is really good & what happened to
me is good. If you had not pushed me in the well, then I would’ve been the
perfect offering to Goddess Kali, they would’ve killed me. Whatever happens,
happens for our own good.”
This type of trust when you’ve, you’ll be able to deal with
death wisely. Trusting that death also is a part of life & learning to
experience the mystery of existence. Life opens up at different dimensions.
So the 1st great fear is the fear of public
speaking. 2nd is the fear of death. 3rd is the fear of
insecurity. Now there’s another fear that 1 has to handle with understanding.
Lot of people are insecure, insecure, insecure & insecurity seems to
literally eat people up. Now have a wise perception. Yoga says have a wise
perception with reference to insecurity. You’re afraid of insecurity because
you’ve a conclusion of what security is. Please understand our insecurity is
always in contrast with what security your mind fabricates. So you’ve a concept
this is security & from that like you find you’re insecure. Insecurity
means what? Is only in contrast with security, you say something is insecure.
Life is constantly changing, therefore in Sanskrit the word jagat means, jayate gachati itijagat. That which is gone & that which goes
is the world. World is constantly changing. Heraclitus said, “You cannot take
bath in the river twice.” Everything is changing, change is so beautiful, but
you’re afraid of change, because you’ve a concept of something which is
changeless. And therefore if you say this is security & from that contrast
you become insecure. So if you can understand 1 thing there’s no such thing as
security at all. Everything is insecure, because everything is changing. This
moment is gone. When the moment it’s gone it’s gone for ever. Everything is
changing, so what is secure? This body isn’t secure, you’re money isn’t secure
nothing is secure. Since everything is changing, you’ve to learn to love
change. GOD in his infinite kindness is giving us an opportunity to love what
is. If you bring the energy the love, you can handle fear much better. If you
can do what you love is beautiful. Always you cannot do what you love. Then
you’ve to learn to love what you do. Do what you love & learn to love what
you do is a great skill that you’ve to learn in the course of your living. So
there’s change, learn to love change & how to love change? There’s no how
to love change. It’s an understanding that there’s nothing called security,
everything is insecure & you’re afraid of insecurity because you’ve a
concept called security. If you can renounce that & start learning to love
what is, with the understanding, past is history, future is mystery, the
present is a gift & therefore in English it’s called present. The present
is called present. Each moment is a present & each moment if you can learn
to use it then you find life becomes useful. Drop your concept of security.
Learn to love change.
I’m not trying to you shouldn’t work for your financial
security, but whatever you’re working please understand that everything in this
existence is perishable & the beauty of existence is, it’s perishable.
Something perishes, something is born. Learn to use, whatever life gives you.
Now people always come & tell me, “Swamijee I’m unhappy because I don’t
have this, I’m unhappy because I don’t have this or that.” And I always tell
them, it’s not what you’ve, it’s how you use, what you’ve which makes a
difference in life. What do I mean by that, it’s not what you’ve, it’s how you
use, what you’ve. You’ve eyes, if you don’t know how to use your eyes &
always look on what you don’t have then you’ll find to have eyes doesn’t mean
anything. So if you can learn to use whatever life gives you, you’ve eyes, use
the eyes. You’ve brains, use your brains. Have legs, use your legs & hands
& if you use whatever life gives you, life is beautiful. Unfortunately people
don’t use what existence gives us. We’re too lost in our expectations in what
life should be. If you’re wise & have love & trust, if GOD gives you
poverty, learn to use poverty. If GOD gives you richness, learn to use
richness, because there’s richness in poverty. There’s also poverty in
richness. See people who’re poor, they don’t have problem of taxation. They
don’t have problem of dacoits ransacking them. They’re in poverty, there’s also
a dimension of richness & people who’re rich has it’s own dimension of
poverty. If you can use whatever life gives you, that’s a great skill that 1
has to develop. Life is like a laptop but you’re using it like a paperweight.
Even though you’re using laptop but you’re using it as a paperweight, exactly
life is so powerful, we don’t use it. And to use it, what is required is love,
what is required is commitment, what is required is understanding & when
you bring this you’ll find, whatever existence gives you’ll use it. That’s why
bad things happen to good people they become better & not bitter &
that’s a skill that you’ve to learn in life. Use change & then you’ll find
you’ll be able to be so creative in life.
Creativity can be of 2 types, you can be destructively
creative, you can be constructively creativity. We’re talking of a constructive
creativity, not destructive creativity.
I was reading a cartoon, & the cartoon goes like this,
chief minister of Bihar, just a cartoon, no criticism to anybody. The Chief
Minister of Bihar was approached by the Prime Minister of Japan & told the
Chief Minister, “Bihar is so rich in natural resources but why is it the
poorest state in the country so give Bihar to Japan. In 1 year I’ll convert
Bihar into Japan.” The Prime minister of Japan offered it to the Chief Minister
of Bihar. The Chief Minister of Bihar laughed at it & said, “What is so
great about this? You give Japan in 6 months I’ll convert Japan into Bihar.”
Now this’s also creativity, I’m talking of a constructive
creativity, not a destructive creativity. So if you can love change, understand
change, use change, you’ll find, life can be extremely powerful. Insecurity is
beautiful. Love insecurity because it opens up a dimension of mystery. Learn to
renounce your conclusion of what security is & learn to love insecurity
& then you’ll find you love change.
When you’re a child there’s a beauty. When you’re a youth
there’s a beauty. Middle age – beauty. Old age - beauty. These are the seasons
of life but you see people when they’re child, they want to become a youth. When
they’re youth, they’re so unhappy being a single, they want to get married then
I’ll be happy. When then they get married, then they feel, Oh! I should’ve been
a bachelor & thus it goes on. We don’t know how to lovingly use the
phenomenon to use the change. Love insecurity, that’s a great spiritual asset,
which Yoga invites us to acquire.
4th is the fear of rejection. Lot of people are
afraid of rejection & when you’re afraid of rejection, then you’ll find
your life becomes refrozen. Now please understand nobody can reject you unless
you feel yourself rejected. Somebody can say no to you. No doesn’t mean to say
rejection. Nobody can hurt you, unless you give permission for yourself to be
hurt. Mahatma Gandhi said very beautifully, “Nobody can take away your
self-respect unless you give it away.” I say, “Nobody can reject you unless you
feel rejected.” Somebody says no to you in a relationship. It only means
somebody’s saying no to you. But if you feel rejected, deep within, it’s your
interpretation that you feel rejected, you feel rejected.
1 person told me, “Swamijee you tell me to be happy, it’s
impossible to for me to be happy.” I asked him, “Why?” He said, “I loved a
woman, I got married & after 3 years she says bye, bye to me & gets
married to somebody else. From that time now I’ve been in drinks, I’ve been in
drugs, because the pain of she rejecting me after 3 years of marriage & 2-3
years of a relationship before marriage, it’s so painful unless you go through
this, you’ll not experience this.” Now I told him, “Please look into it, little
more deeply.” In the same workshop, another person got up & said, “The
happiest incident in my life is when my wife rejected me.” He says, “5 years of
relationship we had & when she rejected me after 5 years & that’s the
time I really learnt, how I took my wife for granted. I took her for granted
& since I took her for granted, it’s only the divorce which made me
realise, never take the relationship for granted. And then when he relooked, he
said, “Those 5 years have been such a beautiful experience in life, such a
phenomenal experience in life & I invalidated it by taking it for granted
& therefore when I start taking it for granted my life has become a
sickness, when I realised this, I became healthy never take life for granted.
For Rabindranath Tagore, a simple dew drop on a lotus leaf,
poetry comes out. For a gross person if he sees a Niagara Falls, dysentery
comes out of him. The world is the same. It’s how sensitive you’re to the
world. It’s this sensitivity that you’ve to bring.
Early morning Sun rises, a poet writes a poem, but a gross
person when he looks at the Sun rise, he feels, the Sun rise is disturbing his
sleep. Friends, to be very sensitive is a beautiful phenomenon & therefore
nobody can reject you unless you feel rejected. Here’s a person, wife has
rejected him. Her rejection has made him realise that I took her for granted, I
shouldn’t take a person for granted & it was a great learning experience
& he’s grateful that he’s learnt a lesson as Mahatma Gandhi beautifully
said, “Nobody can take away your self-respect unless you give it away. I say,
“Nobody can reject you unless you feel inwardly rejected.”
Rejection which leads to dejection is more your self-talk.
Somebody says no is just the fact. Fact isn’t painful. What is painful is
painful is your interpretation of your fact. Wife has left you is a fact. Look
very deeply it’s so difficult for people to see this. Wife has left you is a
fact, what is more crippling is your interpretation of your fact. She left me;
therefore I’m not a worthy person. She’s a cheat, blah, blah, blah. All this
goes, more than the fact, it’s the interpretation of your fact, which is
painful. This interpretation, you can interpret as pain. You can interpret as
power & therefore Yoga says “learn to be very careful, how you interpret
facts & if you can interpret facts wisely you’ll grow.” When bad things
happen to good people, they become better & not bitter.
I invite you to look & rejection at different angles.
Somebody rejects you treat it differently. Like in the field of marketing it’s
said, “When a customer says no to you, it’s the starting point of selling.” There’s
another famous jargon in marketing, when a customer says no to you he only
means he doesn’t know enough of the product. Now this is a very proactive way.
Here a customer saying no, but this man the seller feels, when a customer says no
it’s only means he doesn’t know enough of the product & therefore he
represents the product differently & therefore in marketing it’s said a
good person in selling can sell a comb to a bald person.
Fact is not painful so often it’s your interpretation of the
fact. Many of our pain comes from interpretation. Interpretation comes from
your self-talk & therefore your self-talk is a moment of your thought.
Ultimately fear is a moment of thought. Just imagine there’s no thought,
there’s no fear. In deep sleep there’s no fear. The tiger can be next to you
but there’s no fear. But tiger may not be next to you but & if ever a thought
of a tiger then you’ll be scared & therefore some people look at a post
& see it as a ghost. They look at a rope & look & see it as a
snake. Fear is a moment of thought & if you can see, fear is a moment of
thought & if you can see, you’re not the thought. You’re the space in which
thought comes & goes & if you can always see yourself beyond thought
then you’ll find that you’ll not be a victim of thought but you’re only a space
which is beyond thought itself. Therefore fear is a moment of thought.
People always tell me, “Swamijee’s beautiful, but if somebody
likes you & you like them & somebody rejects you, still painful. It
still hurts. Hurt or upset whether justified or not justified it’s
self-damaging. You’ve to understand that. Now you may say that it’s natural for
us to get hurt when someone rejects you. The moment you say that it’s natural
for us to get hurt then you’ve no possibility for higher dimension.
I’ll give another answer people get hurt when somebody
rejects you, but if you’ve to be a winner in life, you’ve to operate from an
extra-ordinary dimension. Like if you want to be an Olympic champion, you can’t
operate from an ordinary paradigm. You’ve to operate from an extra-ordinary
paradigm. And what’s the extra-ordinary paradigm is the understanding. Hurt or
upset whether justified or not justified it’s self-damaging. If you can keep
this constantly aware it’s like a diabetic person saying, Swamijee it’s easy to
say don’t eat Gulab-Jamun, don’t eat
sweets, but you know naturally we’ll get tempted. Now what can anybody say to
such a person. The doctor has to say, whether it’s natural or not natural
you’re not supposed to eat. It’s self-damaging. So if you’ve have this
conviction hurt or upset whether justified or not justified it’s self-damaging.
Then you won’t give energy to hurt. You
won’t justify hurt. Most of the time we go on justifying it. We got on
expecting something else should’ve happened & in this game we get lost. If
we can renounce that & then learn to just see, fear is a moment of thought.
Hurt is a moment of thought & I’m beyond thought & that beyond-ness is
what we’ve to experience.
Finally I would like to say this & this is the
quintessence of my understanding of Yoga & religion. When I find people
struggling, I find most of their struggles be it anger or fear. Most of it
this. The greed to be somebody & the fear to be nobody is the biggest
struggle that we’re going through. If we can renounce the greed to be somebody.
Just renounce the greed to be somebody & the fear to be nobody. If we can
renounce that then you’ll find your life will be so beautiful. Why do you want
to be somebody? You know ego plays such an important role, ego always wants
self-importance. Ego wants self-importance & many of our fear, anger, hurt
is where we’re caught up in the game of self-importance.
A lady came to me some time back, & said “Swamijee my
husband is so insensitive, that he’s not even seeing I’m putting such foreign cosmetics
on my face & he’s not sensitive to see this & that hurts me very much Swamijee.” I told her, “Please look
you’re caught up in the game of self-importance. The earth it’s said is small
piece of dust in this cosmos because there are so many Suns so many galaxies.
So earth is a small piece of dust in that dust I told her, where is India,
another small piece, small dot. I asked her where is Chennai? Again a further dot
I want you to go through this as I’m saying.
Then in Chennai I asked her where is Egmore?
Further small & in Egmore where’s
this hotel in which I’m taking this workshop? Still further in that hotel
there’re 200 people, where are you? Can you just imagine the size? The earth
itself is a small dust. In earth India, In India Madras, In Madras, Egmore, In Egmore this hotel, in hotel this hall, in hotel 200 people &
there you’re a negligible person. Now see how crazy it is if you seek for
self-importance. It’s like a mosquito going in front of you & saying, “Oh
I’ve put lipstick & people aren’t appreciating me. We’re smaller than the
mosquito & ego plays this game of self-importance & because of ego there’s
fear. The greed to be somebody & the fear to be nobody is the biggest
struggle we’re going through & if you can just drop that ego & just be
a nobody & from nobody function & therefore the famous expression in
Indian culture is you operate from emptiness & then you’ll find you’ll operate
from fullness. Being empty you operate from different fullness all together
& that will help you in managing fear much more wisely.
Finally healthy fear is very different from unhealthy fear.
You should’ve healthy fear but your fear should be legitimate to the situation.
When there’s a tiger coming & you say I’m not afraid then you’ve to be
taken to a mental hospital. Maybe there’s no time for you to take to the mental
hospital. So healthy fear is okay. We’re talking of unhealthy fear. Projected
& imagined fear & if you can renounce that, then you’ll find life
becomes very beautiful & therefore finally, learning to convert fear into
love is a greatest asset that we owe to ourselves. May GOD bless you all.
N.B.: - Words in Italic are in Sanskrit.
Reference:
Fear Management mp3 file length 49 minutes 36
seconds, size 49.77 megabytes. Sukhabodhananda, Swami. www.pravachanam.com.
February 19, 2012.
http://www.pravachanam.com/browse/english/selfdev_talks/swami_sukhabodhananda
(accessed August 1, 2015).
