The Overconfidence Paradox: Why Professional Success Doesn't Mean Marital Success

    We often celebrate the overconfident — the quick deciders, the assertive voices, the ones who climb the career ladder with unmatched self-belief. Society rewards them. Promotions come easier. Opportunities knock louder. And yes, they often find partners quickly, too — admired for their success, their certainty, and their achievements.

But behind closed doors, that same overconfidence can quietly unravel the very fabric of a relationship.

Overconfidence doesn’t just mean self-assurance. It often means:

• Jumping to conclusions about a partner’s intentions without listening.
• Impatience with emotional processes that can’t be “fixed” like a work problem.
• An inability to sit with doubt, vulnerability, or the need for compromise.
• Seeing disagreement as defiance, not dialogue.

In the boardroom, decisiveness is power. In marriage, it can become dismissal.

The tragedy? Our social metrics confuse professional progress with personal maturity. We match people based on salary slips and job titles, not on humility, empathy, or the willingness to grow together.

A successful marriage isn’t built on who’s right the fastest. It’s built on who’s willing to listen the longest.

Maybe it’s time we stopped applauding only the confident, and started valuing the kind, the patient, the reflective — those who may not have all the answers, but know how to hold space for the questions.

Because love isn’t a deal to close. It’s a bond to nurture.

Triple H to achieve goals

With Triple H I mean that 3 tendencies beginning with the letter H can help to achieve goals or resolutions. The 3 H are Happiness, Hard-work & Humour. I’ve written the 3 H in alphabetical order for some the order can be different.

Many think that by achieving goals or resolutions or by becoming successful or by reaching any target or finding love or a great job or fame 1 will be happy. However it works the other way around. Happiness is the prerequisite to achieve goals or resolutions or to reach any target or to find love or a great job or fame.

When 1 is happy she/he gets more positive thoughts & mind is positive. A positive mind can help achieve goals or resolutions. People get attracted to happy people thus happy people are able to find love, get a job & even get popularity or fame. You may have noticed that 1 can enjoy food when she/he is happy. 1 makes many promises when she/he is happy. Happiness enhances health. A happy mind has more immunity strength or better functioning of white blood cells than an unhappy mind. Thus happiness boosts health. If health is good then 1 can work well to achieve her/his goals, resolutions, do well at job, relationship & can even become popular or get fame.

Globalisation, Increase in population & decrease of natural resources has made the world more competitive than ever. In my opinion currently we have cutthroat competition in all fields. I haven’t met a single person that has been successful without hard-work. Many get a great job however they aren’t able to remain at that job as they aren’t able to work hard. Hard work is not only required at job but also in all walks of life. A person that tries hard in her/his relationship will be able to sustain it. Similarly a hard working person will be able to keep his fame. When 1 works hard she/he remains focussed on her/his work & that focus keeps negative thoughts or daydreams at bay. 2 people making same resolution – 1 hard working & other hardly working. In my opinion the hard working person is more likely to conquer her/his resolution than a hardly working person.

Humour is a great mechanism to keep negative thoughts at bay. Humorous people are more likely to forget failures or past struggles & forgive others. They are able to create jokes on self or laugh at their own mistakes & the negative energy just disappears. Many people waste much of their life’s time & energy by dwelling in their past life. I don’t mean to state that dwelling into past is bad however persistently thinking about it doesn’t let 1 move ahead or progress. A humorous mind is also more creative than others. Due to their creative nature they get more ideas than normal to achieve their goals or resolutions or targets. Their ability to laugh on self helps them forget pain or humiliation. When negative incidents get masked a person is able to focus on present & thus can hard-work move ahead. Humorous people are also more likely to attract others & thus can find love, popularity or fame.

Stress Management by Swami Sukhabodhananda (Transcribed Tape)

There was an arrogant Sanskrit scholar who wanted to cross the river, had an interesting conversation with the boatman & asked the boatman, do you know Sahitya. Sahitya is Sanskrit literature to which the boatman said, “No Sir I’m struggling to fill my stomach so I don’t know Sahitya.” To which this arrogant scholar said, “Quarter of your life is wasted if you don’t know Sahitya.” The boatman continued rowing his boat & again the scholar asked the boatman, at least do you know Alankarashashtra which is another aspect of Sanskrit literature. To which the boatman smiled & says, “I don’t know.” To which the arrogant scholar said, “Another quarter of your life is wasted, if you’ve not learnt Alankarashashtra.” To which the boatman continued rowing the boat. Again the arrogant scholar asked the boatman at least do you know Sanskrit. To which the boatman answered, “No Sir.” To which again the scholar said, “Another quarter of your life is wasted because such a beautiful literature like Sanskrit you’re not exposed.” The boatman continued to row understanding the fact that the scholar doesn’t understand his position. The boat was right in the middle of the river & then the boatman asked the scholar, “Oh scholar do you know taranavidya? Do you know swimming?” Because the boatman realised that there was a hole in the boat & water was coming inside. To which the scholar said, “No I don’t know swimming.” The boatman said, “Your full life is wasted” & he jumped out of the boat & swam his way to the shore & the scholar died.

Friends we may know Sanskrit, you may know Physics, you may know Botany, but if you don’t know the knowledge which helps you to cross over sorrow, to cross over stress, all other knowledge which will not really help you. Lot of us have all other knowledge but not the knowledge which helps you to cross over stress. In this talk, I’m going to explain to you, how you can handle stress & be like a bullet proof Yogic individual.

To handle stress there’re 3 important realities, 1 there’s an external reality, 2^nd there’s an internal reality, 3^rd there’s a transcendental reality. These’re 3 important realities in the realm of Yoga. The external reality is the world of things. The internal reality is the world of thoughts & the transcendental reality which Yoga talks is something which is beyond things & beyond thoughts. Most of us are living life in the world of things. The external reality, the reality that we see, hear, smell, touch. This is the external reality & we feel in order to be happy, you’ve to have more things, more objects, means more materialistic external world. We think our stress will be relieved, our happiness is increased when we’ve the world of things & therefore we’re busy being successful. If you look deeply, a person can be successful but he need not be satisfied. You may have a lot of things but if those things are not seen wisely, they’ll not give you satisfaction. So the external reality is the world of things but we fail to realise that the external is seeing internally & if the external is seeing internally in a negative way that the external cannot give you joy, cannot relieve you from stress. People can have a beautiful house, be very, very externally comfortable but internally if their thoughts are tensed in chaos then you’ll find you may have lot of comforts but you’ll be comfortably miserable. Yoga tells us the external world that you see is seeing internally & therefore internally if you don’t calibrate yourself properly. If you don’t tune yourself wisely then the world of things will not give you happiness, will not relieve stress in you. Therefore you experience externally, internally. This internal Yoga says your mind & hence Yoga says, “manaha yevam manushayam karanam bandha mokshoyoho.” Mind is the cause for bondage. Mind is the cause for freedom. In handling stress in a Yogic angle, be with the world of things but have this clear understanding that if your world of thoughts don’t relate to the world of things wisely, the world of things is not going to give you happiness, is not going to give you joy. As you’re in the world of things, the external reality, see the internal reality of your thoughts of your emotions & if you can tune them wisely then you’ll experience the world very differently.

Sometime back as I was taking the workshop I found 1 lady right at the back seated in my seminar & see was sleeping. So I called her from the back & told her to sit in the front. She sat in the front & I continued my seminar. As I continued my seminar I found her very, very annoyed, very, very upset. I had to stop my seminar & ask her, it appears you’re very upset. To which said, “Swamijee I’m very upset.” I asked her why & she told me, “Because you’ve insulted me.” I asked her, “How did I insult you?” You called me from the back to the front & that’s an insult Swamijee. Then I continued my seminar in an enquiring mode & I told her, “If I called you from the back to the front, the fact is I’ve called you from the back to the front. Where’s the insult?” But she says that insult I’m extremely hurt. I said “Please look into the genesis of hurt. I’ve called from the back to the front & that’s all.” To which she says, “But that’s an insult.” I told her, “Back to the front is a fact; insult is your interpretation to the fact. The fact isn’t upsetting & since you’re interpreting the fact as an insult, you feel insulted. So it’s your internal reality which is creating insult, which is creating stress, the externally reality, I only called you from the back to the front.” I also told her, “Did I raise my voice?” To which she said, “No.” Did I scold you? She said, “No.” Then she said, “You called me from the back to the front.” When this dialogue was going on another lady in my same seminar called ‘life programme’, she got up & said Swamijee, “If you would’ve called me from the back to the front, I would’ve felt very honoured because Swamijee’s taking so much of care that he’s called me from the back to the front.” Then I told the whole workshop the incident is the same. Right? calling up from the back to the front, this lady feels honoured, the other lady feels insulted. The external reality is the same but 1 is internally interpreting it as insult. Another is interpreting as Swamijee is taking care. Then I told the audience, “See what is creating stress?” External situation so often is not creating stress, it’s your internal reality of how you interpret is creating stress. And therefore friends Yoga says, there’s an external reality, you experience life not externally, you experience life internally & if you can become aware of this internal dynamics called the mind, you can handle stress in a much more dextrous way.

I always say in my ‘life seminars’ 75% of the snake bites are non-poisonous but 75% of the time, people die out of the fear of a snake bite. Just imagine friends, a non-poisonous snake bites you but this person dies out of the fear of a snake bite. So therefore who has killed him? It’s not the non-poisonous snake but it’s the internal reality called thought which interprets it’s a poisonous snake & since it interprets a person can kill himself internally. In handling stress we don’t see the world externally, we see the world internally. So there’s an external reality, there’s an internal reality.

Next Yoga talks, there’s a transcendental reality. Now even Psychology will talk about internal reality called your mind but Yoga is talking of a transcendental reality. What’s transcendental reality? That which is going beyond your mind. In the field of Psychology, in the field of internal reality, you’ve to interpret things positively. You’ve to interpret things in a proactive way but please understand there’s a limitation in the field of internal reality. You may be positive but understand a positive mind is always in conflict with a negative mind. That’s why Yoga is just not about positive thinking it’s something that’s beyond positive thinking. Any positive mind is in conflict with the negative so when you’re positive there’s a hidden fear of the negative & this hidden fear of the negative creates a conflict with the negative. You’re positively happy but the same positive mind is scared of an unhappy mind so therefore there’s always a conflict of positive & negative & hence Yoga’s contribution is more than Psychology where it says, you’ve to learn to even transcend you mind which is positive & negative & that is called the transcendental reality. In handling stress make your mind positive. Understand it’s not the external reality which is creating stress. Look into your mind. Mind is nothing but thoughts. Be it positive or negative & if you closely see, you’re not the thoughts. You’re not the thoughts. If you’re the thoughts with every thought going you should go.  With every thought coming you should come. But when thought goes you don’t go. When thought comes you don’t come. Yoga says who’re you? You’re not the thought. You’re a space in which thought comes & goes. Thought is only a cloud & you’re the sky. The cloud cannot affect the sky & if you see yourself as the space & not the thought then you transcend thoughts & this transcendence of thoughts is called a Samadhi.

In South India there’s a beautiful temple called Chidambaram temple. There’s Chidambaram ‘ambara’ means space, ‘Chit’ means consciousness. There’s just an empty space which people worship & it’s called Chidambara rahasya. Which means if you be empty, if you can be an empty space you’ll see yourself beyond the very thought, next to the empty space is Nataraja which means that if you’re empty you’ll dance like a Nataraja which stands for ecstasy & unfortunately ecstasy has been a forgotten language. And therefore friends there’s an external reality – ‘the things’; internally reality – ‘the thoughts’ & Yoga says there’s a transcendental reality which is beyond thoughts. Every time you’re upset, every time you’re stressed just look, it’s the thought which is creating more than the situation. And if thought is creating stress just see are you the thought, thought comes, thought goes, you’re just the space in which thought comes & goes. Seeing yourself that is going beyond thoughts & that’s the best way to handle stress. And you can be a bullet proof individual irrespective of the external situations if you can have a spiritual cosmetic. In each part of your body if you can anchor a certain quality then you’ll be like a bullet proof car, external situation will have less impact & hence I call this a spiritual cosmetic. Practice this & anchor this knowledge in each part of your body & then you’ll find you’ll be able to handle stress very dextrously, very wisely. These different parts I want you to anchor is this 1 your ears, GOD has given us 2 years & 1 mouth which means listen more & talk less. And if you can learn to be a good listener in life then you’ll find you’ll be able to learn better & by learning better you’ll find you’ll handle stress much more wisely. And if you can be a good listener life becomes beautiful. I’ve seen in my multiple workshops throughout the world, many of people’s conflicts which leads to stress is they’ve not been good listeners. And the Veda says “atmavare shrottvayam” you should know how to listen wisely.

There’s a beautiful story in the life of Lord Buddha. Lord Buddha was giving his discourse at the end of his discourse he said, do your duty before you go to sleep. Now as he was giving discourse a thief was passing that side, he sat down. A prostitute was passing that side, she sat down & the monks were seated. All of them heard do your duty, before you go to sleep. The thief got up with a deep consolation that Lord Buddha has endorsed his lifestyle. The prostitute went away with a consolation that Buddha has said, do your duty & what’s my duty, my duty is to get a rich customer & she went away. Finally the monks who were seated they got up & said, my duty is meditation, they went away. The statement remaining the same, the thief has interpreted in his own way. The prostitute has interpreted in their own way. In life we listen to what we want to listen. Very few people objectively listen & therefore to be a good listener is a great gift that you owe to yourself. If you’re very careful you’ll see when people listen they listen to what they want to listen & in this space there’s misunderstanding. Misunderstanding creates conflicts with reality & thus it creates stress.

There was a young beautiful looking girl who went for an interview. Now the managing director of the company interviewed her & asked her, “How much salary do you expect?” To which she said, “I expect Rupees 2500/-.” To which the managing director said, “Oh with pleasure.” & she said “then it’s Rupees 4500/-“ Each 1 listens to what they want to listen & when each 1 listens to what they want to listen you’re not in tuned with reality. You’re too lost in what you want to listen. To be a good listener is a very, very important dimension in life. If both your years, if you can touch your ears & give this suggestion let me be an objective listener, not a subjective listener & therefore listen objectively, you’ll find lot of your tensions will come down for many of your tensions is a result of wrong interpretations.

2^nd I want you by both your hands, touch both your hands & give this meaning. Give this anchor let your life be 1 of giving. The Veda says, “Anna dhane cha sarvada tato shreya mavaha.” Let your life be always 1 of giving. If you can know how to give, give. You’ll find the giver has less stress. The takers may earn better but the givers sleep better in life. Learn always to give because the more you give, you find you get connected to existence & if you look at existence is based on the principle of giving & if you also learn to give, you’re in harmony with existence & existence will mysteriously bless you but if you see selfish people they’re always interested in taking & not in giving & if you look at nature it’s based on the principle of giving.

There were 2 people who were seated on the boat, Mr. Sharma & Mr. Verma. Both of them didn’t know swimming. Suddenly Mr. Sharma fell down from the boat. So Mr. Verma told Sharma, “Give me your hand, give me your hand I’ll save you.” & Sharma wasn’t giving his hand. Then Verma realised he’s been such a miser, he has never given in his life. Giving means for him losing & therefore in his vocabulary there’s no giving so Verma changed his vocabulary & told Sharma at least take my hand Sharma & Sharma gives out his hand. Lot of people are like this. Giving means they think it’s losing & if you can learn to anchor yourself in this principle of giving, giving, GOD or existence in his mysterious way will help you & therefore as a spiritual cosmetic if you can anchor both your hands let it be based on the principle of giving, your life will be very beautiful because help will come from an unseen invisible hand. So anchor this let your life be 1 of giving.

In the Veda there’s an expression called “Chakshumuti Vidya” means let your eyes have a wisdom of seeing out of innocence. If you can train your eyes to see out of innocence & not out of arrogance then you’ll see, what is as is, what is not as is not. This is a very important dimension in handling stress. Ask this question friends are you really free to see what is. Are you free to see what is? People say Swamijee I’m free. I said “I doubt it very much.” Very few of us have the freedom of see, what is without opinion, without dogma, without judgement, without conclusion. And if you can see without all this then you’ve this great skill called “Chakhsumati Vidya” For example if I tell this audience please see this watch. Some of you as you’re looking at this watch you’ll start telling Swamijee who is a Gurujee is wearing an expensive watch. Why should a monk wear an expensive watch? That means he’s earning lot of money. If he’s earning lot of money then he’s not practicing being a monk because a monk is supposed to be simple. So monks don’t practice what they preach. They don’t want walk their talk, they don’t talk their walk. And therefore these people are hypocrites. They don’t follow blah, blah, blah all this goes on. I’ve just told them, “Just look at this watch, see this watch” & some people can’t see the watch. When I say, “look at the flower, see the flower.” Some people look at the flower & then say, “Kashmir flower is better than Madras flower.” Their mind starts going, what’s the problem in Kashmir? Pakistan is helping the terrorists in Kashmir. Then you think of Pakistan & then you’ll say America is supporting Pakistan & your mind goes on & on & you get depressed just looking at the flower. So really do you see what is? Very few of us are free to see what is. If you can see without conclusion, without dogma, without opinion, then the purity of seeing what is makes you experience the ecstasy of what is.

Please loot at the people’s life, people’s eyes are polluted with conclusions. There’s a beautiful cartoon I read & the cartoon goes like this. A Chinese goes to an American party. There was an American who looked at this Chinese & assumed that he doesn’t know English so he asked the Chinese guy as he was eating food. He said, “Do you like the rice-ee?” because Chinese tend to drag when they speak. The Chinese just shook his head. Then afterwards fish came then this American guy asked, “Do you like the fish-ee?” The Chinese shook his head. Then the soup came. The American guy asked, “Do you like soup-ee?” Again he shook his head. Then at the end of the whole dinner the chief guest for that evening was this Chinese & this Chinese individual came to the dais & he spoke on Shakespeare. He spoke such beautiful English with beautiful diction with beautiful accent. Then the American felt My GOD I was too fast in forming a conclusion that this Chinese doesn’t know English. And after this beautiful speech, the Chinese comes down & goes to the American, looks at him & says, “Do you like my speech-ee?” We conclude & when we conclude we only see our conclusion. It’s like a suspicious person will always find an object of suspicion. Therefore we look through these polluted eyes & if we can practice the spiritual cosmetic, touch both your eyes & tell your eyes, can I see innocently what is, not with conclusions, not with dogma. Then intelligence will flow through your eyes. Many of our stresses are because with polluted eyes we start looking at things. And therefore if you can practice this “Chakshumati Vidya” seeing out of innocence life becomes very powerful. Your stress will drastically reduce.

Next both your legs, if legs if you can touch both your legs & give this suggestion give this spiritual cosmetic, walk on the path of truth. Walk on the path of goodness. Buddham sharanam gacchayami. Sangam sharanam gacchayami. Dhammam sharanam gacchayami. Is a Buddhist prayer, gacchayami means I walk on the path of goodness, path of truth. If you can tell your feet let me walk on the path of truth, however difficult the path of truth maybe if you can walk on the path of truth, you may experience difficulty but please understand whenever existence gives you difficulty, it’s not to tumble you but it’s to humble you. When bad things happen to good people, they become better & not bitter. And therefore if you’re on the path of goodness an invisible strength will dawn on you & that invisible strength will give you divine support, which Carl Gustav Jung calls it as meaningful coincidences. Ask any spiritual person who’s walking on the path of goodness. He may experience difficulty but mysteriously & an invisible hand will come & help them. I’ve constructed recently a beautiful centre in Bengaluru a meditation centre. We didn’t have money to even buy the land but we came from the commitment we’ve to construct & we found invisibly mysteriously a person which I hardly know comes & offers me Rupees 3,000,000/- some other person came & offered me Rupees 1,500,000/- & therefore I find invisibly mysteriously help comes when you’re in the path of goodness. You’ll find this invisible factor called grace which will dawn on you & therefore both your legs, anchor this understanding. This auto suggestion let me walk on the path of goodness & when you walk on the path of goodness life becomes very, very different.

The next spiritual cosmetic which I want to put on yourself to be a bulletproof Yogi as it were. Where you can hands stress wisely is your lips. In your lips there if you can always smile instead of just putting lipstick. If you can learn to smile & you can smile if you’re happy. Learn to be happy, learn to smile & the more you learn to be happy & smile you’ll develop the invisible skill of how to handle situations wisely. To be happy is a great gift you owe to yourself. There was a time when Psychologists were saying if you’re happy you smile. Nowadays Psychologists say the more you smile the chances are you’ll be happy. The portion of your body which is really visible is your face & if you can give this suggestion to your lips, let me constantly smile. Spread goodness, spread happiness then you’ll find life becomes beautiful. You can handle stress better if you’re smiling. Lot of youngsters in a town was becoming disciples to a monk. They were leaving home & becoming disciples to a monk & the local politicians of that area was very, very upset, why these youngsters are going to this ashram & becoming disciples. So 1 of the youngsters he asked, “What do you see in your Guru that you’re leaving everything & becoming his disciple.” To which this youngster said, “When I look at my Guru I know GOD exists. His face is so alive, GOD exists. When I look at my Guru I know GOD exists.” Then this politician asked, “If you look at me, what do you see?” To which this youngster answers, “Even GOD can make mistakes.” If you look at certain people, smiling is giving income tax to the Government. That type of attitude they’ve. If you can learn to smile when you’re in difficulty, you’ll get a tremendous energy for you to handle stresses in life there & therefore learn to smile.

The next is the nose. In the Gita it’s said that, ‘nasikagram’ concentrate at the tip of the nose. And a lot of people this statement of the Gita wrongly. Nasikagram, concentrate on the tip of the nose for meditation & they focus their eyes on the nose & then they develop migraines because they’re concentrating on the nose. What the Lord says is on the tip of the nose means the truth is right in front of you. Like the tip of the nose is right in front of you, truth is also right in front of you. Like your nose is in front of you in any combination, truth GOD is right in front of you but the only thing is you should be open enough to see the truth in front of you. When you look at your nose, remind yourself truth is in front of you. So you’ve to be only open. You’ve to be only receptive. You’ve to be only available to see the truth is right in front of you. When you’ve that faith, a different energy opens up in handling stress.

When people come to my workshops called “life” & they ask me, “Swamijee will I get benefitted by your workshop?” I always tell them, “If you’re open, you’ll get benefited & I tell them have this belief that the benefit of the program will happen in his own way & not your way. You’ll be benefited in his own way & not your way & when you’ve that belief that openness will help you very differently.” I tell them, “I give you what you need, more than what you want.” Like parents give their children what they need, more than what they want. So have the belief, the truth is right in front of me. I’ve to be open & therefore when you touch your nose, give this auto suggestion & then you do this if you touch these different parts of your body & every time give this suggestion very prayerfully then you’ll find mysteriously, you’ll have a tremendous strength. You’ll be like a bulletproof individual facing the stresses of life & when you do this there’s a factor called grace which will dawn on you.

Science talks of the law of gravitation. Religion talks about the law of grace. Newton sat down & apple fell down & he asked this question, “Why did the apple fall down, why did it not go up?” And thus he discovered the law of gravitation. When the Yogis were meditating, they found their consciousness going up & therefore they found & discovered the law of grace & therefore if you’re practicing the spiritual cosmetic you’ll find prayerfully, if you’re practicing this the law of grace will dawn & that grace will give you the mysterious strength of how to handle the stresses in life.

Another dimension in handling stress, please just don’t listen to this tape as a piece of information. Be like a Columbus in the field of consciousness & when you’ll listen from that dimension as an experimenter experimenting into the possibility of making life juicy in this type of listening it’s a participative type of listening. But if you’re just listening as a mute witness then you’re only judging me, evaluating me, branding me, you’re not participating. How do you learn swimming? You learnt swimming just not by observing somebody swimming. You learnt swimming by swimming. As you’re listening to me, participate in my speaking then you’re like a Columbus in the field of consciousness & suddenly insights will start opening up in your life.

So another important dimension in handling stress which Yoga talks of, by which you can be like a bulletproof individual. External situation will have less impact if you really practice it very deeply is understand this powerful concept. Now stress happens from 2 angles. 1 there’s an external stress, 2^nd there’s an internal stress. What do I mean by this? External stress means if you’re living in a very polluted area, where there’s no fresh air, where there’s no much of ventilation then you find that external pollution will create a negative stress in your body. The external stress factors are polluted air that will affect your body. 2^nd if you’re with toxic people with negative people, always thinking negatively each 1 of us are generating a certain energy field. We’re like a broadcasting station. We can give our thoughts as an infection; we can give our thoughts as an affection. If you’re thinking negatively you create a negative vibration. If you think positively you create a positive vibration. It’s said when Lord Buddha walked, his energy field was so powerful flowers out of season bloomed. Each 1 of us are generating an energy field. That’s why in Indian when you go & meet a monk, when you go & meet an ascetic, you say for darshan ke likye I’m going. I’m going to be in his presence. We don’t say we’re going to acquire knowledge. Satsanga being in the presence of the master because our masters generates an energy field. So please understand every 1 of us are generating a certain energy field, either positive or negative. If you’re constantly with toxic people who’re always negative, generating a negative vibration it’s just like in a room if people are smoking & even you don’t smoke that smoke will affect you. So therefore as far as possible try to avoid negative people. So toxic people are the 2^nd external stress because their thoughts their beliefs will slightly slyly interject in you. So the 2^nd factor of external stress is toxic people. The 3^rd factor of external stress is wrong eating habits. That also creates an external stress. Therefore in Yoga we talk of ‘sharir suddhi’ sharir is body, suddhi means purification. And how do you purify your body, by doing Yoga, by doing Pranayama & by eating right type of ahara, ahara means food. There’s a Sanskrit sutra which says, “visham tyaje’ means avoid poisonous food. Now what’s the poisonous food? What we eat to the body. Yoga says, eat more which gives you life & not take away life. Study has shown if you eat more raw vegetables it’s good to your body. This body is made up of 70 to 80% of water so your food should’ve 70% of water containing food which includes vegetables, which includes fruits. If you’re diabetic you can’t eat fruits but vegetables you can eat & especially raw vegetables as lot of water containing food. So therefore Yoga tells us, eat very healthy food which is life nourishing & not life perishing. So “visham tyaje” avoid poisonous food, the food we eat to the body. Also this sutra says poisonous food to your mind also you should avoid. Negative thoughts, negative beliefs are also poisonous food to our mind. Even that also you negate. “visham tyaje” avoid poisonous food to your mind which is negative thoughts. 3^rd poisonous food is to your soul itself. If you’re always seeking attention then you’re nourishing the ego & ego is the greatest poison to your life. ‘Ahankara vimud atma’ The Lord says in the Bhagvad Gita, an egoistic person is not a fool but a great fool he says. The poisonous food for your soul is if you’re always seeking attention you’re massaging the ego. The meaning of the word ego, EGO is edging GOD out. If you’re always catering to ego, you’re edging GOD out & therefore seeking always attention makes you live a life of deficiency & not a life of sufficiency. An egoistic person is always demanding respect. But a non-egoistic person commands respect. A flower commands respect not demands respect & therefore avoid poisonous food “visham tyaje”

So therefore in handling stress in the angle of Yoga is there’s an external stress, what food you eat, toxic people also give you stress, polluted areas gives you stress & therefore, you’ve to handle these factors. I find lot of people think handling stress is only handling their mind. Only handling your mind isn’t enough. You can keep your mind very positive, very calm, very serene, but if you’re staying in a room where everybody is smoking, eating wrong food. Then you’ll find you’ll have a stomach ache, you’ll have a headache & body affects the mind & mind affects the body. This is a very important teaching in Yoga. How body affects the mind? If you eat unhealthy food, your mind also gets affected, for example if you drink alcohol you’re doing something to the body, but then your mind gets affected. If you start worrying, you’re doing something to your mind but a worrying mind affects the body. It’s not only mental stress, there’s also a physical stress. Another external stress is wrong exercising habits. The way you sit down the way you do exercise. Wrong exercising can also give you an external stress. So if you’re aware of these external stresses be very alert & then you’ll find the external component you can negate. If you can’t avoid a polluted area but you can always create pockets where you can go to a little more cleaner area. Have some plants, sit under a tree in the day time. Then you draw in better air there. Avoid as far as possible negative people. Learn to be aware of not only what you eat but how you eat. These external stresses learn to avoid. Now there’s also an internal stress which I’ve already dwelt in this tape is your thoughts create internal stress. Your beliefs create internal stress. Your values create internal stress. Your conditioning creates internal stress. Internal stress is what thoughts you entertain. If you’re in a house & every window is closed a poisonous snake enters into the house & what you do? You’ve to be extremely alert, you’ve to first open the windows, put the light, remove the furniture & very tactfully take the snake & throw it out. Entertaining a negative thought is like to have a poisonous snake. Anytime it will bite you. Understand a negative thought is a poisonous thought. Treat every thought as an investment. You don’t invest in a sick industry. If negative thought is going to increase the industry of sorrow, positive thought is going your increase the industry of joy. If you treat every thought like an investment, are you investing it in happiness, are you investing it in sorrow & with that alertness if you start living & handling your thoughts you’ll find the thought can make you, thought can break you. So the internal stress is what I refer to as the internal reality which constantly affects our life so internal stress is negative thinking.

The 2^nd component is negative beliefs. We fail to realise that actions are a correlate of thoughts. Thoughts are a correlate of your value system. Value system is because of what your belief systems are for example if you’re drinking alcohol, if you’re going towards a park that action is because you’ve a thought of alcohol. The thought of alcohol is because you’ve a value towards alcohol. Somewhere you’ve a belief that alcohol is going to give you joy, going to give you happiness, is going to relieve stress. So therefore if you want to change your action you’ve to change your thoughts & that’s not enough. You’ve to change your value system & to change your value system you’ve to change your beliefs & therefore beliefs play a very, very important role in your life. If you’ve a negative belief, I can never be happy in life Swamijee because my horoscope says I can never come up. People’s horoscopes have unfortunately become horror scopes. It’s creating horror in their life. It’s not your horoscope to have this type of belief.   So from a negative belief make it a positive belief then you’ll find life will be powerful internally so therefore internal stress isn’t created.

Listen to this example an old lady heard prayers move mountains. She felt very happy because there was a mountain which was covering the flow of a river. She went to a backyard & prayed for 15 minutes, “Oh Lord let the mountain move, let the mountain move so that I can see the river.” After 15 minutes she opens her eyes & finds the mountains just intact & then she smiles & says, “I was cocksure this mountain will not move.” Now this lady has prayed from the belief that prayers don’t work. When you pray from the belief that prayers don’t work, now superficially you’ve a positive belief but deeply, you’ve a negative belief. Lot of people are like this. Deep within they don’t believe on the impossible.

Look at scientists as a noble prize winner said beautifully, we need specialists specialising on impossible. And therefore like a scientist has a deep belief of creating & if you look at the miracles of sciences, what was considered impossible at 1 time has become possible, because the scientist came from a deep belief it’s possible & that belief has done the great magic. Exactly in the same way we should’ve a deep belief, irrespective of the situations I can still be blissful, irrespective of the situation I can still be happy & from that belief if you can start coming then you’ll find internal stress won’t be there. And therefore what creates internal stress & what creates external stress you’ve to become aware. And when you avoid the external & internal stress you’ll have healthy stress, not unhealthy stress. Stress cannot be avoided in life. I’m talking to you now, there’s a stress on my vocal cord but this is healthy stress. A healthy stress will slip into unhealthy stress when you’re not wise, when you’re not intelligent & therefore in handling stress external & internal & Yoga does that. By doing Yoga, you’re working on your body by eating the right food, you’re working on your food. Meditating under a tree, you’re avoiding pollution. You do pranayama (deep breathing) by deep breathing it helps your body there & therefore that is external. Internal it helps you to handle your mind, your value, your belief systems & when both these’re handled if at all you’ve stress, you’ll have healthy & not unhealthy stress. By practicing what I’ve just now said you’ll have a mysterious intelligence which will make you be like a dolphin wherein a dolphin swims with the sharks & still stays alive. If we can be like a dolphin, swimming with the sharks & still staying alive because in the world you’ll find people are like sharks. They’ll try to attack you, but if you’ve this Yogic intelligence then you’ll be like a dolphin you’ll swim with the sharks. The sharks maybe your boss your subordinate your trade union leader, it can be your wife, your husband. You can still be like a dolphin which can swim with the sharks. I invite you to be like a dolphin. A dolphin is very happy in the ocean, very helpful but still has the wisdom to swim with the sharks & still stays alive. By practicing this sincerely I invite you to handle stress which I call it as a bulletproof Yogic approach. May GOD bless you & please listen to this tape on & on by listening something will open up in you. May GOD bless you all.

N.B.: - Words in Italic are in Sanskrit.

Reference:

Stress Management mp3 file length 49 minutes 03 seconds, size 64 megabytes. Sukhabodhananda, Swami. www.pravachanam.com. February 19, 2012. http://www.pravachanam.com/browse/english/selfdev_talks/swami_sukhabodhananda (accessed August 1, 2015).

People Management by Swami Sukhabodhananda (Transcribed tape)

A University conducted a research & they found, for you to get a job & to sustain the job, 35% depends upon the knowledge of the subject & 65% for you to go up the ladder of success depends upon people’s skills. Just knowledge isn’t sufficient for you to go up the ladder of success. 65% depends upon people’s skills. If you’re good at networking with people skilfully managing people, you can go up the ladder of success & hence this research shows the importance of how you should wisely network with people & hence people management is a very, very important aspect of management being in this world.

There’s a very beautiful real incident, which happened in Thailand, that there was a huge clay, Buddha Idol in a monastery & there was a highway which was being created & therefore the Buddha Idol had to be transferred to another spot & as they were transferring this huge Buddha clay Idol it started raining heavily. The Buddhist monks had to keep the Idol on the ground & they covered it with tent because it was raining heavily. The chief priest in the middle of the night went into this tent to see that the Buddha idol is intact, when he put the torch light on the Buddha clay idol to his great surprise he found that there was a golden light emanating from this clay idol. He was confused he went closer, scratched a bit & the light started becoming brighter & when he removed the clay to his great surprise he found it wasn’t a clay idol, it was a golden idol. And this golden idol is still in Thailand. It’s written at the side, history of this golden idol. It seems that when invaders attacked Thailand, this golden idol was there so they covered the golden idol by clay so that the invaders don’t take the golden idol & it was covered & afterwards people forgot it was being covered & therefore they discovered this golden Buddha idol. This story is so beautiful for it depicts a typical Yogic perspective. Outwardly we’re like clay but inwardly there’s a golden Buddha in each 1 of us. Externally we’re like clay but internally we there’s a golden Buddha in each 1 of us & if I can look at each 1 that externally they may be like clay but internally there’s a GOD hood in each 1 of them & in this perspective if you start relating to people & helping people to allow the inner Buddha to surface out & not get lost in the external, this is a wise way of relating to people.

In working with people if you’ve this perspective there’s GOD hood in each 1 of us & this GOD hood is covered by this ignorant mind as Kabir a great in India says, “Chalti chakki dekh ke diya kabira roye, do pathan ke beech mein sabat bacha na koi.” Kabir says when I look at people Chalti chakki dekh ke diya kabira roye means your mind is constantly like a grinding machine, constantly being grinded & therefore he says that anything in a grinding machine in the grinding stone if it’s put how it’s crushed, in the so called ignorant mind our happiness, our so called GOD hood as though crushed. So if you can go beyond the mind, you can discover the GOD within us & therefore in working with people if we can help people to discover their divine in them & allow the divine to flow, that’s the best way of motivating, empowering people.

All powerful people bring out the best in others. Bring out the GOD in others. All powerless people make people feel bad, make people feel miserable. Please understand in managing people, there’s a melting point in every 1 of us. Be it a dacoit, be it a thief. We should’ve the commitment, we should’ve the perseverance, we should’ve the skill, we should’ve the intelligence to go on, to see that the melting point turns from negativity to positivity.

This happened in the life of Lord Buddha. Lord Buddha was passing through & when he was passing through a forest, people living in the forest, said that please don’t go to this area because there’s a great dacoit called angulimala, & whoever he meets, he kills & cuts the finger & puts it on his neck & therefore he was called as angulimala. Anguli is a thumb, mala is a chain. He used to kill people take their thumb & then put a chain as it were on his neck & he had cut 999 fingers. He was waiting for a 1000 finger & Lord Buddha was passing that side so they all advised him not to go. But Buddha said, “I must meet this person, who’s killing people.” And therefore Buddha went met Angulimala. As Angulimala the dacoit saw Buddha coming, Angulimala recognised he’s a monk & told him, “stop don’t come near me.” Lord Buddha it seems told him, I’ve stopped; it’s you who’re constantly running. Angulimala couldn’t understand this dialogue & therefore this whole conversation turned to such an extent, that Lord Buddha had the commitment to transform Angulimala & made him realise that killing is a simple affair but joining is a very important dimension & therefore by his whole conversation, he transformed Angulimala & the story goes that Angulimala became Lord Buddha’s disciple & he became a monk.

By this example I’m trying to convey to you that Buddha had the commitment to transform & bring the GOD in the other & there’s a melting point in each 1 of us & if this perception is clear & I call this perception as a Yogic perception, if it’s clear that there’s GOD hood in each 1 of us. There’s a parmatma, there’s a higher self in each 1 of us & there’s a jeevatma the lower self in each 1 of us. We’ve to eliminate the lower-self & bring the higher-self; you’ll be able to skilfully manage working with people.

Andrew Carnegie was a very great industrialist in America. He was known for creating among his customers, millionaires. Even customers used to become millionaires & when somebody asked Andrew Carnegie what was his secret of success that even his customers have become millionaires to which Andrew Carnegie said, “The secret of my success working with people is, I’ve the patience of a gold miner.” To dig gold you’ve to remove a lot of dust & you’ll get little gold. In working with people you should’ve the patience of a gold miner. Lot of dust, lot of garbage will come & as it’s removed, you’ll discover gold & that’s what any gold miner knows. Any gold miner knows that to get little gold you’ve to remove lot of dust. Working with people a lot of dust has to be removed to discover a little gold. If you’ve this patience then you can very successfully dexterously deal with people.

There’s a very beautiful incident which happened. It’s said that a group of red Indians came across a beautiful huge treasure box. The red Indians being primitive people at that point of time knew this is a beautiful treasure box, some gold, some diamonds must be in this box but being primitive people at that point of time they didn’t know how to open this treasure box. They tried primitive methods, by jumping on it, using magical spells, they put water, they danced on it. They put fire on it but nothing happened, they got disgusted. They went on the top of the mountain & pushed the treasure box & still the box didn’t open. They cursed & said there must be some magic spell & they walked out cursing. It seems after sometime American soldiers was passing that side. They saw this treasure box & they knew something very valuable was inside this treasure box so what they did, being educated people they knew this box is locked they arrived at the right key, opened the lock & then inside the treasure box was lot of gold, diamonds, rubies. For me this story is very, very significant & beautiful. Each 1 of us are like a treasure box. The wise way is we should find out where people are locked where people are trapped, arrive at the right key & unlock the lock & then you’ll discover the treasure in people but if we act like primitive red Indians then you jump on the treasure box but you’re not working on the lock. So if you can look at each 1 of us, we’re a treasure box. Inside us is the divine but we’re locked by ignorance, locked by some superstition & if we can arrive at the right key & unlock then you’ll find there’s a treasure in each 1 of us & hence the Yogis tell us there’s a jeevatma & parmatma & to discover the parmatma the higher self is very important & we’ve to help people to renounce the lower self & reveal to them the higher self & if 1 does that 1 skilfully deal’s with people.

In all my workshops people ask me this question. Swamijee, how to deal with difficult people? I always tell them to deal with difficult people, 1^st find out where’re you coming from? Are you coming from commitment, are you coming from complain. When you come from commitment a difficult person is an opportunity is a challenge. When you come from complain, the difficult person is a curse. 1^st thing is you’ve to change yourself. Are you coming from commitment are you coming from complain & invariably when people meet difficult people they always complain & when the moment they complain the energy called complain will not give them the power to find out the lock in which they’re locked. But if you come from commitment somewhere the commitment will give you the acuity to discover the key, to unlock the lock & discover the treasure in the other person. So I always answer that to deal with difficult people more than focussing on the other, see where’re you coming from? Are you coming from commitment, are you coming from complain? In the Indian tradition we say, are you coming from sankalpa, sankalpa means commitment. And the moment you come from sankalpa a tremendous intelligence will dawn on you & through that intelligence you’ll be able to use whatever life gives you, rather than being a victim to the situation, you’ll become a victor. So dealing with difficult people 1^st thing I say look into yourself.

The 2^nd thing I say in dealing with difficult people, I call it as the 6Rs, rapport, recognise, recall, rethink, retrain & relook. And if you can use these 6 dimensions skilfully you’ll find lot of power opens up in people management. A study was done & they found interpersonal relationship the most important dimension of interpersonal relationship is rapport building, the art of building is a rapport is the most important dimensions in people’s skills. Now what is rapport? Rapport building is the art of building the bridges amongst people & not walls amongst people. Are you building bridges amongst people are you building walls amongst people. The art of building bridges amongst people is the art of building a rapport.

To give you an example is a real incident which happened in my life. When I was giving a series of talks on Bhagvad Gita in Kolar, which is a part of South-India. I was giving a series of talks & then the principle of a school invited me to come & give a talk in their junior college. So I went there to give a talk in the junior college & it was my 1^st experience going & talking to this school & especially to the college students. As I was entering the college, I found these teenagers mischievously looking at me & singing a film song ‘Dum maro dum’ they were singing a film song & it was like, kind of teasing me. So I was going into the hall, I knew what was up their sleeves. They wanted to create trouble to me. I sat on the dais. The principal was introducing me. There were about 1000 students. All of them were mischievously looking & their body language was clearly telling me, you start your speech & we’ll start our aeroplanes. If I just continue speaking my prepared speech I’ll not be able to even end my speech. So therefore I asked this question as the principal was introducing me, ah, what should I do now to connect to people? I had seen an old English movie of Sidney Poitier, ‘To Sir, with Love’ where the students create a lot of difficulty to the teacher & the teacher built a rapport & since he built a rapport at the end of the movie they became friends. This movie came in a flash in my mind & I said, “Now I’ve to build a rapport.” And to build a rapport the most important principle in rapport building is people like who’re like themselves. I asked this question, what do the children like? They like lot of movies; therefore I started off my speech with film song. When I started off my speech with a popular film song, they were shocked to see a monk quoting a film song instead of a scripture. Now my whole intention was to build a rapport. Then I quoted another film song. I could literally see the children’s eyes opening up & saying ah, this is our Swamijee, he knows our world. And the moment I built a rapport with them I started saying, whatever I wanted to say & for 1 hour there was absolute pin drop silence. And the principal acknowledged me at the end, Swamijee I was so surprised because every speaker the students don’t allow them to complete the speech itself. I only built a rapport.

Have you seen grandmothers feeding grandchildren? The grandchild doesn’t want to eat. The grandmother brings a piece of idli & the grandchild says no. The grandmother says, “What’s in the top of the tree?” The grandchild says, “A crow.” The grandmother asks, “What does the crow do?” The says, “kaa” opens his mouth & mother splashes idli in the mouth.” It’s the same way I make people laugh then I splash whatever I want to splash there & therefore to build a rapport is the most important dimension of people’s skills. So 1^st thing in understanding working with people is learn to build a rapport & 1 of the most important principles of rapport building is people like who’re like themselves.

The 2^nd R is ‘recognise’, recognise what? Recognise people’s blocks. Recognise people’s blind spots. So if you’ve a person who’s difficult understand there’s some block, there’s some lock, there’s some blind spot. You’ve to recognise what block people are trapped in. You can help them only when you know what’s their blind spot. So I say the 2^nd R is ‘recognise’ people’s blocks. Now there’re so many blind spots people’ve. For example 1 of the blind spots is called generalisation trap. In my live workshops I work on this elaborately & there was 1 person who got up & said, “Swamijee all women are flirts.” I was shocked I said, “All women are flirts.” He says, “All women are flirts.” Again I asked, “All women are flirts.” Then he told me, no Swamijee all Western women are flirts, then I further looked into it because I saw the person’s trap was a generalisation trap. He was, he said “All Western women are flirts.” How do you know? He says, “because of my experience & I’ve stayed Swamijee in the West.” & I asked him, “Where did you stay?” He tells, “In only 1 place in Frankfurt.” I asked him, “How long did you stay?” For a long time. I asked him how long, “He said 6 months.” In 6 months staying in a place called Frankfurt, he’s generalising all women are flirts, now all Western women are flirts, he stayed he’s stayed a long time & it’s only 6 months. Then I asked him, how many people’ve you met, how many women have you met? He said “A lot of women Swamijee.” But how many women can you be roughly specific. He said, “at least about 40 women.” I said off the 40 women how many do you really know closely. He said, “10”. Off the 10, I asked him, “how many did you ditch & how many they ditched you?” With a smile he says, “To be very honest Swamijee, 4 I ditched, 6 they ditched me.” Now just see friends, how he’s caught up in a generalisation trap. Friends in working with people you’ve to be very sharp to see what traps, people are caught. Some are caught in generalisation trap & when you’re caught in generalisation trap you’ve to skilfully help people to make them realise, that you’re generalising & when you generalise you’ll miss seeing specifics in life.

I find working with people another trap in which people are caught. I call this is as a forecasting trap. They go on forecasting, they go on projecting & when they go on projecting; before the trouble comes they’re already in trouble. There was a middle age managing director of a company, who hired a young blue eyed blonde as a secretary & this young blue eyed blonde as a secretary, she has gone through many communication workshops & she was very skilful networking with people. She learnt to smile through her eyes, very keeping herself very, very alive. And this orthodox managing director was getting confused that every time the secretary smiles, he was forecasting, ‘I think she’s interested in me.’ In fact she was just smiling but he was forecasting & then it seems 1 day the secretary with a smile told the managing director, “please come home for dinner.” Now this person has this forecasting trap, when the moment she said, please come home for dinner, he started forecasting - definitely she’s interested to have a relationship with me. He felt very happy, wore the best of suits. As he went to her house, his internal self-talk was - ah she called me for dinner, not for lunch & therefore it’s very, very clear, she’s interested in me he started forecasting. When he went to her house, there was candle lit dinner beautiful soft music. The whole ambience proved to him, that she’s definitely interested in a romantic relationship with him. He was very, very happy, he was forecasting. She came offered him wine, they drank wine. Both of them got up & she said, “Please take your coat & come inside the room.” Now he started forecasting - she said take the coat out that means definitely she’s interested in me.  Now he removed the coat & not only removed the coat, he removed the pant & the shirt also. And inside the room the secretary said, “Please come carefully because it’s dark” & this person was outside the room. When she said it’s dark come carefully, again he’s forecasting mind said – definitely she’s interested in me. Why the room has to be dark & therefore whatever little dress he had on him, he even removed that. Naked he goes into the room. The room’s dark, suddenly the light is put on & all the members of the staff started singing, “Happy Birthday to you.” It was his birthday, they wanted to give a surprise & he comes with a Birthday suit i.e. naked. And if you’ve this forecasting pattern in your mind & you’ll never be with what is, you’ll always go on projecting on something which is in the future.

In life there’re infinite things you’ve there’re infinite things you don’t have & if you always look on what you don’t have’s a sure way of being unhappy. Listen to this beautiful example; it seems Mullah Nasserudin a Sufi character was very, very sad & his friends come to him & say, “Why’re you sad Mullah?” & Mullah tells his friends, “because my uncle has passed away & in his will he has donated Rupees 5,000,000/-. His friends were shocked, they said, “Mullah I know that uncle of yours, he has given you 5,000,000/- of all the nephews he has given you & secondly that uncle’s a very old man. You must be very happy.” Mullah said, “That’s not the point, 3 weeks ago another uncle has died & he has donated Rupees 6,000,000/-.” Again the friends told, “Mullah you must be very happy, of all the nephews, they’ve given you & that uncle who has died is an old man. He’s 95 years old. You must be happy.” Mullah says, “That’s not the point. Yesterday another uncle died & in his will he has donated Rupees. 10,000,000/- & he has died.” Again the friends were shocked & said, “Mullah that uncle who has died, he’s 105 years old of all the nephews he has given you, you’ve so many millions of Rupees, you must be very, very happy.” But that’s not the point, says Mullah. The friends get so annoyed, he says, “What the hell’s the point?  I’m not able to understand why you’re unhappy?” Mullah says, “I’m unhappy not because they donated money to me. I’m unhappy not because they died. I’m unhappy because there’re no more uncles to die.”

Now friends just look, what an effective way of being miserable! A lot of people are like this, they always get focussed on what’s missing. Infinite things we’ve. Infinite things we don’t have & if you’re always drowned on what you don’t have, you start invalidating what you’ve. And if this invalidating pattern of the mind exists, such a person you put him in heaven, he’ll convert heaven into hell. And therefore friends working with people you’ve to find out what trap, people are in, you’ve to recognise their block so some people have generalisation trap. Some people have forecasting trap. Some people go on getting focussed on what’s missing. Then people ask me Swamiji, we shouldn’t focus on what’s missing. I say no, you should be grateful to what you’ve & you should work on what you don’t have. Not that you should focus on what’s missing. Whatever you’ve be grateful, rejoice, be happy & work on what you don’t have. And therefore friends like this there’re multiple traps an individual has got & therefore, the 2^nd important dimension in dealing with difficult people’s recognise their blocks, what blocks? There’re multiple blocks. So 1^st is build a rapport, 2^nd is recognise the block & 3^rd R is recall the block. What’s recall? Now if somebody’s very, very difficult their difficulty might’ve emerged from their childhood. You’ve to heal their childhood so often therefore I call it as recall. I’ve seen so many people when they’re young have been sexually abused & if they’re sexually abused as a child & even if they’re married the scar of their sexual abuse as children continues & that will start interfering in people’s marriage. 1 husband complained to me that my wife isn’t free in a relationship with me Swamijee. I worked with her separately I asked what’s your problem, & I found his wife had undergone sexual abuse when she was a child & therefore that scar still continues in her. And when she’s married even though the husband’s a beautiful person, but the memory of her childhood abuse still starts interfering in her daily life of her relationship with a good husband. And therefore I’ve seen lot of people there’s a dissatisfaction of the past, which gives a distaste to the present, which leads to the distrust to the future. And if this happens is a sure way of being miserable. So there’s a dissatisfaction of the past, which leads to a distaste to the present. Now this girl, this lady had a sexual abuse, there’s a dissatisfaction of the past. Now at present her husband’s a beautiful person but the past is interfering in the present, so there’s a distaste to the present. It’s like eating a sweet with a wrapper on. Something’s sweet but the wrapper prevents you in experiencing the sweetness. So the dissatisfaction of the past leads you to the distaste to the present. The distaste to the present leads you to the distrust to the future & when you distrust the future you always live in doubt, doubt & doubt & doubts starts killing people. So therefore please see your past is unhappy, the present becomes unhappy, the future becomes so foggy & unhappy when you start doubting, doubting & when you start doubting the Lord in the Gita says, “kshmshai atma vinashtati” A person constantly doubting he’s nearly perished.

Have you seen some people, they tell a lie, they can’t even trust their lies also. Mullah Nasserudin a sufi character found lot of kids making noise in front of his house. So Mullah came out & told the kids, “Sheikh Abdullah is distributing gold coins for his 60^th marriage anniversary about 5 streets away. The moment Mullah told this lie so that the kids will run away & he can sleep peacefully, all the kids ran & as all the kids ran, Mullah is also running behind. His wife told Mullah, “Why’re you running?” Mullah said, “I know I’m lying but in case the lie becomes true.” He can’t even trust his own lie. Mullah is a beautiful sufi character, which lot of stories are spurned round him to him to convey beautiful truths.

How people can’t trust, Lord Krishna in the Gita says, “Shraddhavaan labhate gyanam“ you need trust to live life wisely & if you doubt, you can’t even trust. So there’s an incident in the life of Mullah that he was on a multi-storey building. The whole building was on fire. People came out & said, “Jump from the building, we’re holding the carpet because there’s no other way for you to come. Mullah on the top of the terrace, looks & them & says, “Don’t think I’m such a stupid guy to get fooled by you. I can’t trust you people.” The friends said, “Mullah jokes apart there’s no other way, jump on the carpet & thus we’ll save you. We’re holding the carpet.” Mullah says, “I can’t trust you.” Now what’s the alternative, asked the crowd & Mullah said, “Keep the carpet on the ground & then I’ll jump.” There’re people who can’t even trust & this is what happens. There’s a dissatisfaction of the past which leads you to a distaste to the present, which leads you to a distrust to the future & now when that happens life becomes miserable & therefore difficult people, invariably you’ll find there’s a victim to their past.

So when I say recall, I mean if a person’s difficult recognise the block. If the block is generalisation, is the trap. The 2^nd is recall, how this block has emerged in them. What has been the genesis, maybe it’s childhood & if it’s childhood somewhere you’ve to learn to heal the childhood block. So therefore recognise, recall. After recalling then you should help that person to rethink differently. Rethink, rethink means make him think differently. Please understand there’re 3 E’s. If you understand these 3 E’s, it’ll help you very much. 1 is there’s an environment E, 2^nd experience, 3^rd E is education environment, experience, education. Now people are impacted by the environment. If you’re living with all negative people the environment will’ve a negative e impact. The chance are it’ll have a negative impact. Experience is now a person may’ve gone through a bad experience like child abuse. So experience also alters your life. Environment also alters your life. Powerless people are a victim to environment, victim to experience. But powerful people bring the 3^rd E called education & if you bring in the education then irrespective of the environment, irrespective of the experience you’ll use education wisely & if you can use education wisely then you’ll see when bad things happen to good people they become better & not bitter. So this aspect of education is very, very important in making life very beautiful. If you continue doing what you’ve done you’ll get what you’ve got, is a famous management jargon. Learn to think differently, look at all scientists they always have thought differently.

Please listen to this example it may not be a very pleasant example but it’s a very true example. In English the word bullshit means useless, means scrap. But some creative person looked at bullshit with creative eyes, he thought differently & thus Gobar gas came into existence. So therefore what’s considered as crap, because he thought differently, he could create gas out of it & he became rich. This’s what is called rethink. Look into the life of Walt Disney, who created the Mickey Mouse, etc. Lot of his cartoons were rejected & it seems, a person called him to draw cartoons & he was in a garage of a certain church. The garage was infested with rats. The rats were going up & down, up & down & Walt Disney with creative eyes he went on looking at the rats. And as he was looking at the rats there, suddenly this idea came of the Mickey Mouse. When Mickey Mouse was created & you know, kids are crazy of Mickey Mouse. And Walt Disney became such a rich person. He thought differently so rethinking’s very, very important in life. 1^st in dealing with difficult people, learn to build a rapport. 2^nd is recognise people’s blocks. 3^rd is recall, look at their genesis, 4^th rethink 5^th is retrain. Thinking differently is 1 thing; you’ve to train people to act on their different thinking. That’s why in my workshops called “life” I tell people how to be happy & make them act on happiness & therefore the end of my workshops people will be literally dancing out of ecstasy physically dancing. I not only make them think differently, I make their body act on the different thinking. This’s called retraining. And lastly relook. Relook freshly with new eyes, you look there & see, what has worked, what has not worked with dealing people & each time you look freshly, newly & new idea may emerge & therefore in dealing with difficult people what’s very, very important is applying the 6 R’s. 1^st learn to build a rapport with people, 2^nd recognise their block, 3^rd recall their block, 4^th rethink, 5^th retrain, 6^th relook, what has worked, what has not worked & if has not worked again, recognise what’s the block & thus working with them proactively is coming from commitment & not coming from complain. And if 1 can skilfully go through this then you’ll find there’s a melting point in each 1 of them, you’ve to only arrive at the right key to unlock their lock & then you’ll find a great hidden treasure within each 1 of us & therefore in Yoga there’s a Sanskrit expression which says, “Jeevatma Parmatma” Jeevatma is the lower self Paramatma is the higher self. Everybody has the higher self, lower self, at present we’re locked into the lower self & motivating empowering people is making them get locked into the higher self & not the lower self. This process is empowering people for that to happen you’ve to come from commitment & not from complain.

In working with people building a rapport is a skill that 1 has to constantly sharpen. I find roughly, if you can break people into 2 dimensions. Some people are logical, some people are kinaesthetical & in fact people are logical & kinasthetical. Now in building a rapport if people are logical, talk to them logically & then you’ll build a rapport. If some people are kinaesthetic, playful, talk to them playfully & then you’ll build a rapport. So find out are they logical type or there’s a kinasthetical type. And if you can empower & motivate people to bring the feeling & the logic then when logic & feeling both emerge that person becomes a very whole person.

In Sanskrit there’s a beautiful expression which says, “If a stupid person learns logic, the logic becomes stupid.” Just being logic without feeling then the person becomes stupid. Somebody wants to learn logic & therefore he went to a professor & asked this question to him, “I want to learn logic, will you teach me?” The professor of logic said, “Logic is very simple, okay I’ll teach you right now. Do you like fishes?” He said, “Yes” that means the professor says, “Then you like water.” He asked, “What’s the logic?” Because fishes like water so therefore you like fishes, yes, that means you like water, because fishes like water. So this person nodded his head. Then he said, “Then you like everybody.” He says, “How I like everybody?” Because everybody likes water, so therefore I’m teaching you logic. You like fishes, yes, that means you like water that means you like everybody because everybody likes water. Therefore you like everybody & therefore you’re not a homosexual. Now this the 1^st class, now, he said, okay I’ve learnt logic. He went home & met his friend who was a vegetarian. He told his friend you know I’ve learnt logic. The friend said, “You’ve learnt logic, will you teach me?” He said, “I’ll teach you.” “Do you like fishes?” He asked him & that friend said, “No I don’t like fishes.” Then he said, “That means you’re a homosexual.” See this is what’s said, if a stupid person learns logic, the logic becomes stupid & therefore please understand it, it’s just not logic in life, it’s feeling also. And therefore both these dimension of feeling & logic are there hidden in each 1 of us. It all depends what surfaces out & what’s hidden. In dealing with people, you’ve to build a rapport, what’s visible. You’ve to invoke what’s invisible. And if you invoke what’s invisible, you’ll have a healthy relationship with people & therefore people management rapport becomes such an important dimension.

In people management another very important dimension is your whole approach towards people. What’s your important approach towards people? You’ve to learn to be a powerful leader in life. And to be a powerful leader in life, what’s very important are different leadership styles. There’s 1 style of leadership which is an authoritative style, which you know very authoritative, 2^nd leadership style is a negotiating style, 3^rd leadership style is a persuading leadership style, 4^th leadership style is an empowerment leadership style & a good powerful leader has all the 4 styles in him. There’re some people who’re only authoritative. They only bulldoze people. You’ll find you can never build a rapport with people. The 2^nd people who always negotiate again, it’s not very healthy if you’re only negotiating. Some people are very good in persuading but for everything they’ll go on persuading & that’s also not a healthy style & the 4^th is an empowerment style. Empowerment style includes all the 3 but doesn’t get limited to all the 3. An empowering leadership at times he’s authoritative, at times he’s negotiating, at times he’s persuading, & therefore he includes all the 3 at the same time. He approaches lock & key approach, what’s the lock, what’s the key? & therefore in people management the flexibility of all the 4 styles is very, very important.

A next dimension in people management is the style of your communication. Communication plays a very important dimension in the Bhagvad Gita, they say there’re 3 styles of communication, 1 is called “Vidhandavada” 2^nd is “Jalpavada” 3^rd is “Samvada.” Vidhandavada there are 2 people are talking. I don’t like the other person & since I don’t like the other person, my whole intention is to make the other person wrong. That’s called Vidhandavada. 2^nd is Jalpavada, I present a point of view, somebody points out the fallacy of the point of view. I know I’m wrong but I still hold on to the point of view because I’ve said it. It’s called Jalpavada. If you look into people, some people want to make others wrong. Some people want to prove themselves, now this is not a healthy communication. The Bhagvad Gita talks about Samvada the 3^rd type of communication where I’m not interested in proving myself, not interested in proving somebody wrong. I’m more interested to see, what’s truth, not my truth but what is truth & when 1 comes from the background of Samvada I’m interested in truth not point of view & when you communicate in that style, Samvada communication’s a typical Yogic approach & Kabir in 1 of his doha says, “Such a person when he speaks, aaisi vani boliye mann ka aapa khoye, auran ko sheetal kare, aapho sheetal hoye.” He speak in such a way, where your words cool the other & also cool yourself & therefore the Veda says, “rasovaisaha” keep your whole being juicy & when a juicy person when he speak, ‘juhua mein madhumatama’ honey will flow through your tongue. Honey will flow through your tongue & hence this communication operating from Samvada is another very important dimension in the perspective of Yoga.

The most important dimension in people’s skills, from the Yogic perspective is operating from emptiness & fullness. You’ve to learn the art to operating form emptiness & fullness. That’s why this mudra is called ‘Chin Mudra’ if you see Hindu GODs they’re in a mudra called ‘chin mudra,’ where their pointing finger merges with the thumb. When the pointing finger merges the thumb, inside both of it there’s emptiness. At the same time it’s fullness also. It’s called ‘chin mudra.’ In working with people, you’ve to learn to be empty when people criticise you, when people give accusations to you. If you can just learn to be empty, if you act out of fullness, is the most important Yogic skill working with people. At any point of time, you’ll have people criticising you & if people are criticising you, practice the chin mudra. Just be empty & if you’re empty the words will never affect you. And when you’ve to talk to them, act on them, then act out of fullness for this emptiness can be viewed as emptiness. This emptiness is also viewed as fullness & this is the meaning of the word chin mudra & therefore the most important eastern Yogic approach is being with people inwardly be empty so the others criticism don’t affect you. When you act the same emptiness becomes fullness & when you act out of fullness the power of fullness will start motivating people. Very important in life while motivating others, you also have to keep yourself motivated & for that to happen learn to be empty & learn to convert the emptiness as fullness. And if that skill you develop, then a very powerful dimension opens up.

If a flute is given to a musician like Hari Prasad Chaurasia, he can create magic out of the flute. Lord Krishna has a flute, now if you look at a flute it’s empty but in the hands of Lord Krishna or any flute person he knows how to use the emptiness so beautifully that beautiful music comes out of the flute. Exactly in the same way, life’s empty if you know how to use emptiness wisely, music will come. And therefore flute in Lord Krishna’s lips means learn to use the emptiness with fullness. But if an unintelligent person is given a flute only noise will come out of the flute but to a musician when a flute is given, music flows & this is the Eastern message that can you be empty like a flute in 1 way flute is empty in another way the same emptiness has fullness. So to life if you can be empty & out of emptiness when you operate it becomes fullness & therefore to operate from emptiness & to operate from fullness is the meaning of chin mudra & with this background if you can network with people, you’ll not only empower yourself but you’ll also empower others & this is the Yogic approach in dealing with people. Please listen to this tape more than once & develop the skill of how to skilfully network with people. May GOD bless you.

N.B.: - Words in Italic are in Sanskrit.

Reference:

People Management mp3 file length 49 minutes 38 seconds, size 67.95 megabytes. Sukhabodhananda, Swami. www.pravachanam.com. February 19, 2012. http://www.pravachanam.com/browse/english/selfdev_talks/swami_sukhabodhananda (accessed August 1, 2015).