People Management by Swami Sukhabodhananda (Transcribed tape)

A University conducted a research & they found, for you to get a job & to sustain the job, 35% depends upon the knowledge of the subject & 65% for you to go up the ladder of success depends upon people’s skills. Just knowledge isn’t sufficient for you to go up the ladder of success. 65% depends upon people’s skills. If you’re good at networking with people skilfully managing people, you can go up the ladder of success & hence this research shows the importance of how you should wisely network with people & hence people management is a very, very important aspect of management being in this world.

There’s a very beautiful real incident, which happened in Thailand, that there was a huge clay, Buddha Idol in a monastery & there was a highway which was being created & therefore the Buddha Idol had to be transferred to another spot & as they were transferring this huge Buddha clay Idol it started raining heavily. The Buddhist monks had to keep the Idol on the ground & they covered it with tent because it was raining heavily. The chief priest in the middle of the night went into this tent to see that the Buddha idol is intact, when he put the torch light on the Buddha clay idol to his great surprise he found that there was a golden light emanating from this clay idol. He was confused he went closer, scratched a bit & the light started becoming brighter & when he removed the clay to his great surprise he found it wasn’t a clay idol, it was a golden idol. And this golden idol is still in Thailand. It’s written at the side, history of this golden idol. It seems that when invaders attacked Thailand, this golden idol was there so they covered the golden idol by clay so that the invaders don’t take the golden idol & it was covered & afterwards people forgot it was being covered & therefore they discovered this golden Buddha idol. This story is so beautiful for it depicts a typical Yogic perspective. Outwardly we’re like clay but inwardly there’s a golden Buddha in each 1 of us. Externally we’re like clay but internally we there’s a golden Buddha in each 1 of us & if I can look at each 1 that externally they may be like clay but internally there’s a GOD hood in each 1 of them & in this perspective if you start relating to people & helping people to allow the inner Buddha to surface out & not get lost in the external, this is a wise way of relating to people.

In working with people if you’ve this perspective there’s GOD hood in each 1 of us & this GOD hood is covered by this ignorant mind as Kabir a great in India says, “Chalti chakki dekh ke diya kabira roye, do pathan ke beech mein sabat bacha na koi.” Kabir says when I look at people Chalti chakki dekh ke diya kabira roye means your mind is constantly like a grinding machine, constantly being grinded & therefore he says that anything in a grinding machine in the grinding stone if it’s put how it’s crushed, in the so called ignorant mind our happiness, our so called GOD hood as though crushed. So if you can go beyond the mind, you can discover the GOD within us & therefore in working with people if we can help people to discover their divine in them & allow the divine to flow, that’s the best way of motivating, empowering people.

All powerful people bring out the best in others. Bring out the GOD in others. All powerless people make people feel bad, make people feel miserable. Please understand in managing people, there’s a melting point in every 1 of us. Be it a dacoit, be it a thief. We should’ve the commitment, we should’ve the perseverance, we should’ve the skill, we should’ve the intelligence to go on, to see that the melting point turns from negativity to positivity.

This happened in the life of Lord Buddha. Lord Buddha was passing through & when he was passing through a forest, people living in the forest, said that please don’t go to this area because there’s a great dacoit called angulimala, & whoever he meets, he kills & cuts the finger & puts it on his neck & therefore he was called as angulimala. Anguli is a thumb, mala is a chain. He used to kill people take their thumb & then put a chain as it were on his neck & he had cut 999 fingers. He was waiting for a 1000 finger & Lord Buddha was passing that side so they all advised him not to go. But Buddha said, “I must meet this person, who’s killing people.” And therefore Buddha went met Angulimala. As Angulimala the dacoit saw Buddha coming, Angulimala recognised he’s a monk & told him, “stop don’t come near me.” Lord Buddha it seems told him, I’ve stopped; it’s you who’re constantly running. Angulimala couldn’t understand this dialogue & therefore this whole conversation turned to such an extent, that Lord Buddha had the commitment to transform Angulimala & made him realise that killing is a simple affair but joining is a very important dimension & therefore by his whole conversation, he transformed Angulimala & the story goes that Angulimala became Lord Buddha’s disciple & he became a monk.

By this example I’m trying to convey to you that Buddha had the commitment to transform & bring the GOD in the other & there’s a melting point in each 1 of us & if this perception is clear & I call this perception as a Yogic perception, if it’s clear that there’s GOD hood in each 1 of us. There’s a parmatma, there’s a higher self in each 1 of us & there’s a jeevatma the lower self in each 1 of us. We’ve to eliminate the lower-self & bring the higher-self; you’ll be able to skilfully manage working with people.

Andrew Carnegie was a very great industrialist in America. He was known for creating among his customers, millionaires. Even customers used to become millionaires & when somebody asked Andrew Carnegie what was his secret of success that even his customers have become millionaires to which Andrew Carnegie said, “The secret of my success working with people is, I’ve the patience of a gold miner.” To dig gold you’ve to remove a lot of dust & you’ll get little gold. In working with people you should’ve the patience of a gold miner. Lot of dust, lot of garbage will come & as it’s removed, you’ll discover gold & that’s what any gold miner knows. Any gold miner knows that to get little gold you’ve to remove lot of dust. Working with people a lot of dust has to be removed to discover a little gold. If you’ve this patience then you can very successfully dexterously deal with people.

There’s a very beautiful incident which happened. It’s said that a group of red Indians came across a beautiful huge treasure box. The red Indians being primitive people at that point of time knew this is a beautiful treasure box, some gold, some diamonds must be in this box but being primitive people at that point of time they didn’t know how to open this treasure box. They tried primitive methods, by jumping on it, using magical spells, they put water, they danced on it. They put fire on it but nothing happened, they got disgusted. They went on the top of the mountain & pushed the treasure box & still the box didn’t open. They cursed & said there must be some magic spell & they walked out cursing. It seems after sometime American soldiers was passing that side. They saw this treasure box & they knew something very valuable was inside this treasure box so what they did, being educated people they knew this box is locked they arrived at the right key, opened the lock & then inside the treasure box was lot of gold, diamonds, rubies. For me this story is very, very significant & beautiful. Each 1 of us are like a treasure box. The wise way is we should find out where people are locked where people are trapped, arrive at the right key & unlock the lock & then you’ll discover the treasure in people but if we act like primitive red Indians then you jump on the treasure box but you’re not working on the lock. So if you can look at each 1 of us, we’re a treasure box. Inside us is the divine but we’re locked by ignorance, locked by some superstition & if we can arrive at the right key & unlock then you’ll find there’s a treasure in each 1 of us & hence the Yogis tell us there’s a jeevatma & parmatma & to discover the parmatma the higher self is very important & we’ve to help people to renounce the lower self & reveal to them the higher self & if 1 does that 1 skilfully deal’s with people.

In all my workshops people ask me this question. Swamijee, how to deal with difficult people? I always tell them to deal with difficult people, 1^st find out where’re you coming from? Are you coming from commitment, are you coming from complain. When you come from commitment a difficult person is an opportunity is a challenge. When you come from complain, the difficult person is a curse. 1^st thing is you’ve to change yourself. Are you coming from commitment are you coming from complain & invariably when people meet difficult people they always complain & when the moment they complain the energy called complain will not give them the power to find out the lock in which they’re locked. But if you come from commitment somewhere the commitment will give you the acuity to discover the key, to unlock the lock & discover the treasure in the other person. So I always answer that to deal with difficult people more than focussing on the other, see where’re you coming from? Are you coming from commitment, are you coming from complain? In the Indian tradition we say, are you coming from sankalpa, sankalpa means commitment. And the moment you come from sankalpa a tremendous intelligence will dawn on you & through that intelligence you’ll be able to use whatever life gives you, rather than being a victim to the situation, you’ll become a victor. So dealing with difficult people 1^st thing I say look into yourself.

The 2^nd thing I say in dealing with difficult people, I call it as the 6Rs, rapport, recognise, recall, rethink, retrain & relook. And if you can use these 6 dimensions skilfully you’ll find lot of power opens up in people management. A study was done & they found interpersonal relationship the most important dimension of interpersonal relationship is rapport building, the art of building is a rapport is the most important dimensions in people’s skills. Now what is rapport? Rapport building is the art of building the bridges amongst people & not walls amongst people. Are you building bridges amongst people are you building walls amongst people. The art of building bridges amongst people is the art of building a rapport.

To give you an example is a real incident which happened in my life. When I was giving a series of talks on Bhagvad Gita in Kolar, which is a part of South-India. I was giving a series of talks & then the principle of a school invited me to come & give a talk in their junior college. So I went there to give a talk in the junior college & it was my 1^st experience going & talking to this school & especially to the college students. As I was entering the college, I found these teenagers mischievously looking at me & singing a film song ‘Dum maro dum’ they were singing a film song & it was like, kind of teasing me. So I was going into the hall, I knew what was up their sleeves. They wanted to create trouble to me. I sat on the dais. The principal was introducing me. There were about 1000 students. All of them were mischievously looking & their body language was clearly telling me, you start your speech & we’ll start our aeroplanes. If I just continue speaking my prepared speech I’ll not be able to even end my speech. So therefore I asked this question as the principal was introducing me, ah, what should I do now to connect to people? I had seen an old English movie of Sidney Poitier, ‘To Sir, with Love’ where the students create a lot of difficulty to the teacher & the teacher built a rapport & since he built a rapport at the end of the movie they became friends. This movie came in a flash in my mind & I said, “Now I’ve to build a rapport.” And to build a rapport the most important principle in rapport building is people like who’re like themselves. I asked this question, what do the children like? They like lot of movies; therefore I started off my speech with film song. When I started off my speech with a popular film song, they were shocked to see a monk quoting a film song instead of a scripture. Now my whole intention was to build a rapport. Then I quoted another film song. I could literally see the children’s eyes opening up & saying ah, this is our Swamijee, he knows our world. And the moment I built a rapport with them I started saying, whatever I wanted to say & for 1 hour there was absolute pin drop silence. And the principal acknowledged me at the end, Swamijee I was so surprised because every speaker the students don’t allow them to complete the speech itself. I only built a rapport.

Have you seen grandmothers feeding grandchildren? The grandchild doesn’t want to eat. The grandmother brings a piece of idli & the grandchild says no. The grandmother says, “What’s in the top of the tree?” The grandchild says, “A crow.” The grandmother asks, “What does the crow do?” The says, “kaa” opens his mouth & mother splashes idli in the mouth.” It’s the same way I make people laugh then I splash whatever I want to splash there & therefore to build a rapport is the most important dimension of people’s skills. So 1^st thing in understanding working with people is learn to build a rapport & 1 of the most important principles of rapport building is people like who’re like themselves.

The 2^nd R is ‘recognise’, recognise what? Recognise people’s blocks. Recognise people’s blind spots. So if you’ve a person who’s difficult understand there’s some block, there’s some lock, there’s some blind spot. You’ve to recognise what block people are trapped in. You can help them only when you know what’s their blind spot. So I say the 2^nd R is ‘recognise’ people’s blocks. Now there’re so many blind spots people’ve. For example 1 of the blind spots is called generalisation trap. In my live workshops I work on this elaborately & there was 1 person who got up & said, “Swamijee all women are flirts.” I was shocked I said, “All women are flirts.” He says, “All women are flirts.” Again I asked, “All women are flirts.” Then he told me, no Swamijee all Western women are flirts, then I further looked into it because I saw the person’s trap was a generalisation trap. He was, he said “All Western women are flirts.” How do you know? He says, “because of my experience & I’ve stayed Swamijee in the West.” & I asked him, “Where did you stay?” He tells, “In only 1 place in Frankfurt.” I asked him, “How long did you stay?” For a long time. I asked him how long, “He said 6 months.” In 6 months staying in a place called Frankfurt, he’s generalising all women are flirts, now all Western women are flirts, he stayed he’s stayed a long time & it’s only 6 months. Then I asked him, how many people’ve you met, how many women have you met? He said “A lot of women Swamijee.” But how many women can you be roughly specific. He said, “at least about 40 women.” I said off the 40 women how many do you really know closely. He said, “10”. Off the 10, I asked him, “how many did you ditch & how many they ditched you?” With a smile he says, “To be very honest Swamijee, 4 I ditched, 6 they ditched me.” Now just see friends, how he’s caught up in a generalisation trap. Friends in working with people you’ve to be very sharp to see what traps, people are caught. Some are caught in generalisation trap & when you’re caught in generalisation trap you’ve to skilfully help people to make them realise, that you’re generalising & when you generalise you’ll miss seeing specifics in life.

I find working with people another trap in which people are caught. I call this is as a forecasting trap. They go on forecasting, they go on projecting & when they go on projecting; before the trouble comes they’re already in trouble. There was a middle age managing director of a company, who hired a young blue eyed blonde as a secretary & this young blue eyed blonde as a secretary, she has gone through many communication workshops & she was very skilful networking with people. She learnt to smile through her eyes, very keeping herself very, very alive. And this orthodox managing director was getting confused that every time the secretary smiles, he was forecasting, ‘I think she’s interested in me.’ In fact she was just smiling but he was forecasting & then it seems 1 day the secretary with a smile told the managing director, “please come home for dinner.” Now this person has this forecasting trap, when the moment she said, please come home for dinner, he started forecasting - definitely she’s interested to have a relationship with me. He felt very happy, wore the best of suits. As he went to her house, his internal self-talk was - ah she called me for dinner, not for lunch & therefore it’s very, very clear, she’s interested in me he started forecasting. When he went to her house, there was candle lit dinner beautiful soft music. The whole ambience proved to him, that she’s definitely interested in a romantic relationship with him. He was very, very happy, he was forecasting. She came offered him wine, they drank wine. Both of them got up & she said, “Please take your coat & come inside the room.” Now he started forecasting - she said take the coat out that means definitely she’s interested in me.  Now he removed the coat & not only removed the coat, he removed the pant & the shirt also. And inside the room the secretary said, “Please come carefully because it’s dark” & this person was outside the room. When she said it’s dark come carefully, again he’s forecasting mind said – definitely she’s interested in me. Why the room has to be dark & therefore whatever little dress he had on him, he even removed that. Naked he goes into the room. The room’s dark, suddenly the light is put on & all the members of the staff started singing, “Happy Birthday to you.” It was his birthday, they wanted to give a surprise & he comes with a Birthday suit i.e. naked. And if you’ve this forecasting pattern in your mind & you’ll never be with what is, you’ll always go on projecting on something which is in the future.

In life there’re infinite things you’ve there’re infinite things you don’t have & if you always look on what you don’t have’s a sure way of being unhappy. Listen to this beautiful example; it seems Mullah Nasserudin a Sufi character was very, very sad & his friends come to him & say, “Why’re you sad Mullah?” & Mullah tells his friends, “because my uncle has passed away & in his will he has donated Rupees 5,000,000/-. His friends were shocked, they said, “Mullah I know that uncle of yours, he has given you 5,000,000/- of all the nephews he has given you & secondly that uncle’s a very old man. You must be very happy.” Mullah said, “That’s not the point, 3 weeks ago another uncle has died & he has donated Rupees 6,000,000/-.” Again the friends told, “Mullah you must be very happy, of all the nephews, they’ve given you & that uncle who has died is an old man. He’s 95 years old. You must be happy.” Mullah says, “That’s not the point. Yesterday another uncle died & in his will he has donated Rupees. 10,000,000/- & he has died.” Again the friends were shocked & said, “Mullah that uncle who has died, he’s 105 years old of all the nephews he has given you, you’ve so many millions of Rupees, you must be very, very happy.” But that’s not the point, says Mullah. The friends get so annoyed, he says, “What the hell’s the point?  I’m not able to understand why you’re unhappy?” Mullah says, “I’m unhappy not because they donated money to me. I’m unhappy not because they died. I’m unhappy because there’re no more uncles to die.”

Now friends just look, what an effective way of being miserable! A lot of people are like this, they always get focussed on what’s missing. Infinite things we’ve. Infinite things we don’t have & if you’re always drowned on what you don’t have, you start invalidating what you’ve. And if this invalidating pattern of the mind exists, such a person you put him in heaven, he’ll convert heaven into hell. And therefore friends working with people you’ve to find out what trap, people are in, you’ve to recognise their block so some people have generalisation trap. Some people have forecasting trap. Some people go on getting focussed on what’s missing. Then people ask me Swamiji, we shouldn’t focus on what’s missing. I say no, you should be grateful to what you’ve & you should work on what you don’t have. Not that you should focus on what’s missing. Whatever you’ve be grateful, rejoice, be happy & work on what you don’t have. And therefore friends like this there’re multiple traps an individual has got & therefore, the 2^nd important dimension in dealing with difficult people’s recognise their blocks, what blocks? There’re multiple blocks. So 1^st is build a rapport, 2^nd is recognise the block & 3^rd R is recall the block. What’s recall? Now if somebody’s very, very difficult their difficulty might’ve emerged from their childhood. You’ve to heal their childhood so often therefore I call it as recall. I’ve seen so many people when they’re young have been sexually abused & if they’re sexually abused as a child & even if they’re married the scar of their sexual abuse as children continues & that will start interfering in people’s marriage. 1 husband complained to me that my wife isn’t free in a relationship with me Swamijee. I worked with her separately I asked what’s your problem, & I found his wife had undergone sexual abuse when she was a child & therefore that scar still continues in her. And when she’s married even though the husband’s a beautiful person, but the memory of her childhood abuse still starts interfering in her daily life of her relationship with a good husband. And therefore I’ve seen lot of people there’s a dissatisfaction of the past, which gives a distaste to the present, which leads to the distrust to the future. And if this happens is a sure way of being miserable. So there’s a dissatisfaction of the past, which leads to a distaste to the present. Now this girl, this lady had a sexual abuse, there’s a dissatisfaction of the past. Now at present her husband’s a beautiful person but the past is interfering in the present, so there’s a distaste to the present. It’s like eating a sweet with a wrapper on. Something’s sweet but the wrapper prevents you in experiencing the sweetness. So the dissatisfaction of the past leads you to the distaste to the present. The distaste to the present leads you to the distrust to the future & when you distrust the future you always live in doubt, doubt & doubt & doubts starts killing people. So therefore please see your past is unhappy, the present becomes unhappy, the future becomes so foggy & unhappy when you start doubting, doubting & when you start doubting the Lord in the Gita says, “kshmshai atma vinashtati” A person constantly doubting he’s nearly perished.

Have you seen some people, they tell a lie, they can’t even trust their lies also. Mullah Nasserudin a sufi character found lot of kids making noise in front of his house. So Mullah came out & told the kids, “Sheikh Abdullah is distributing gold coins for his 60^th marriage anniversary about 5 streets away. The moment Mullah told this lie so that the kids will run away & he can sleep peacefully, all the kids ran & as all the kids ran, Mullah is also running behind. His wife told Mullah, “Why’re you running?” Mullah said, “I know I’m lying but in case the lie becomes true.” He can’t even trust his own lie. Mullah is a beautiful sufi character, which lot of stories are spurned round him to him to convey beautiful truths.

How people can’t trust, Lord Krishna in the Gita says, “Shraddhavaan labhate gyanam“ you need trust to live life wisely & if you doubt, you can’t even trust. So there’s an incident in the life of Mullah that he was on a multi-storey building. The whole building was on fire. People came out & said, “Jump from the building, we’re holding the carpet because there’s no other way for you to come. Mullah on the top of the terrace, looks & them & says, “Don’t think I’m such a stupid guy to get fooled by you. I can’t trust you people.” The friends said, “Mullah jokes apart there’s no other way, jump on the carpet & thus we’ll save you. We’re holding the carpet.” Mullah says, “I can’t trust you.” Now what’s the alternative, asked the crowd & Mullah said, “Keep the carpet on the ground & then I’ll jump.” There’re people who can’t even trust & this is what happens. There’s a dissatisfaction of the past which leads you to a distaste to the present, which leads you to a distrust to the future & now when that happens life becomes miserable & therefore difficult people, invariably you’ll find there’s a victim to their past.

So when I say recall, I mean if a person’s difficult recognise the block. If the block is generalisation, is the trap. The 2^nd is recall, how this block has emerged in them. What has been the genesis, maybe it’s childhood & if it’s childhood somewhere you’ve to learn to heal the childhood block. So therefore recognise, recall. After recalling then you should help that person to rethink differently. Rethink, rethink means make him think differently. Please understand there’re 3 E’s. If you understand these 3 E’s, it’ll help you very much. 1 is there’s an environment E, 2^nd experience, 3^rd E is education environment, experience, education. Now people are impacted by the environment. If you’re living with all negative people the environment will’ve a negative e impact. The chance are it’ll have a negative impact. Experience is now a person may’ve gone through a bad experience like child abuse. So experience also alters your life. Environment also alters your life. Powerless people are a victim to environment, victim to experience. But powerful people bring the 3^rd E called education & if you bring in the education then irrespective of the environment, irrespective of the experience you’ll use education wisely & if you can use education wisely then you’ll see when bad things happen to good people they become better & not bitter. So this aspect of education is very, very important in making life very beautiful. If you continue doing what you’ve done you’ll get what you’ve got, is a famous management jargon. Learn to think differently, look at all scientists they always have thought differently.

Please listen to this example it may not be a very pleasant example but it’s a very true example. In English the word bullshit means useless, means scrap. But some creative person looked at bullshit with creative eyes, he thought differently & thus Gobar gas came into existence. So therefore what’s considered as crap, because he thought differently, he could create gas out of it & he became rich. This’s what is called rethink. Look into the life of Walt Disney, who created the Mickey Mouse, etc. Lot of his cartoons were rejected & it seems, a person called him to draw cartoons & he was in a garage of a certain church. The garage was infested with rats. The rats were going up & down, up & down & Walt Disney with creative eyes he went on looking at the rats. And as he was looking at the rats there, suddenly this idea came of the Mickey Mouse. When Mickey Mouse was created & you know, kids are crazy of Mickey Mouse. And Walt Disney became such a rich person. He thought differently so rethinking’s very, very important in life. 1^st in dealing with difficult people, learn to build a rapport. 2^nd is recognise people’s blocks. 3^rd is recall, look at their genesis, 4^th rethink 5^th is retrain. Thinking differently is 1 thing; you’ve to train people to act on their different thinking. That’s why in my workshops called “life” I tell people how to be happy & make them act on happiness & therefore the end of my workshops people will be literally dancing out of ecstasy physically dancing. I not only make them think differently, I make their body act on the different thinking. This’s called retraining. And lastly relook. Relook freshly with new eyes, you look there & see, what has worked, what has not worked with dealing people & each time you look freshly, newly & new idea may emerge & therefore in dealing with difficult people what’s very, very important is applying the 6 R’s. 1^st learn to build a rapport with people, 2^nd recognise their block, 3^rd recall their block, 4^th rethink, 5^th retrain, 6^th relook, what has worked, what has not worked & if has not worked again, recognise what’s the block & thus working with them proactively is coming from commitment & not coming from complain. And if 1 can skilfully go through this then you’ll find there’s a melting point in each 1 of them, you’ve to only arrive at the right key to unlock their lock & then you’ll find a great hidden treasure within each 1 of us & therefore in Yoga there’s a Sanskrit expression which says, “Jeevatma Parmatma” Jeevatma is the lower self Paramatma is the higher self. Everybody has the higher self, lower self, at present we’re locked into the lower self & motivating empowering people is making them get locked into the higher self & not the lower self. This process is empowering people for that to happen you’ve to come from commitment & not from complain.

In working with people building a rapport is a skill that 1 has to constantly sharpen. I find roughly, if you can break people into 2 dimensions. Some people are logical, some people are kinaesthetical & in fact people are logical & kinasthetical. Now in building a rapport if people are logical, talk to them logically & then you’ll build a rapport. If some people are kinaesthetic, playful, talk to them playfully & then you’ll build a rapport. So find out are they logical type or there’s a kinasthetical type. And if you can empower & motivate people to bring the feeling & the logic then when logic & feeling both emerge that person becomes a very whole person.

In Sanskrit there’s a beautiful expression which says, “If a stupid person learns logic, the logic becomes stupid.” Just being logic without feeling then the person becomes stupid. Somebody wants to learn logic & therefore he went to a professor & asked this question to him, “I want to learn logic, will you teach me?” The professor of logic said, “Logic is very simple, okay I’ll teach you right now. Do you like fishes?” He said, “Yes” that means the professor says, “Then you like water.” He asked, “What’s the logic?” Because fishes like water so therefore you like fishes, yes, that means you like water, because fishes like water. So this person nodded his head. Then he said, “Then you like everybody.” He says, “How I like everybody?” Because everybody likes water, so therefore I’m teaching you logic. You like fishes, yes, that means you like water that means you like everybody because everybody likes water. Therefore you like everybody & therefore you’re not a homosexual. Now this the 1^st class, now, he said, okay I’ve learnt logic. He went home & met his friend who was a vegetarian. He told his friend you know I’ve learnt logic. The friend said, “You’ve learnt logic, will you teach me?” He said, “I’ll teach you.” “Do you like fishes?” He asked him & that friend said, “No I don’t like fishes.” Then he said, “That means you’re a homosexual.” See this is what’s said, if a stupid person learns logic, the logic becomes stupid & therefore please understand it, it’s just not logic in life, it’s feeling also. And therefore both these dimension of feeling & logic are there hidden in each 1 of us. It all depends what surfaces out & what’s hidden. In dealing with people, you’ve to build a rapport, what’s visible. You’ve to invoke what’s invisible. And if you invoke what’s invisible, you’ll have a healthy relationship with people & therefore people management rapport becomes such an important dimension.

In people management another very important dimension is your whole approach towards people. What’s your important approach towards people? You’ve to learn to be a powerful leader in life. And to be a powerful leader in life, what’s very important are different leadership styles. There’s 1 style of leadership which is an authoritative style, which you know very authoritative, 2^nd leadership style is a negotiating style, 3^rd leadership style is a persuading leadership style, 4^th leadership style is an empowerment leadership style & a good powerful leader has all the 4 styles in him. There’re some people who’re only authoritative. They only bulldoze people. You’ll find you can never build a rapport with people. The 2^nd people who always negotiate again, it’s not very healthy if you’re only negotiating. Some people are very good in persuading but for everything they’ll go on persuading & that’s also not a healthy style & the 4^th is an empowerment style. Empowerment style includes all the 3 but doesn’t get limited to all the 3. An empowering leadership at times he’s authoritative, at times he’s negotiating, at times he’s persuading, & therefore he includes all the 3 at the same time. He approaches lock & key approach, what’s the lock, what’s the key? & therefore in people management the flexibility of all the 4 styles is very, very important.

A next dimension in people management is the style of your communication. Communication plays a very important dimension in the Bhagvad Gita, they say there’re 3 styles of communication, 1 is called “Vidhandavada” 2^nd is “Jalpavada” 3^rd is “Samvada.” Vidhandavada there are 2 people are talking. I don’t like the other person & since I don’t like the other person, my whole intention is to make the other person wrong. That’s called Vidhandavada. 2^nd is Jalpavada, I present a point of view, somebody points out the fallacy of the point of view. I know I’m wrong but I still hold on to the point of view because I’ve said it. It’s called Jalpavada. If you look into people, some people want to make others wrong. Some people want to prove themselves, now this is not a healthy communication. The Bhagvad Gita talks about Samvada the 3^rd type of communication where I’m not interested in proving myself, not interested in proving somebody wrong. I’m more interested to see, what’s truth, not my truth but what is truth & when 1 comes from the background of Samvada I’m interested in truth not point of view & when you communicate in that style, Samvada communication’s a typical Yogic approach & Kabir in 1 of his doha says, “Such a person when he speaks, aaisi vani boliye mann ka aapa khoye, auran ko sheetal kare, aapho sheetal hoye.” He speak in such a way, where your words cool the other & also cool yourself & therefore the Veda says, “rasovaisaha” keep your whole being juicy & when a juicy person when he speak, ‘juhua mein madhumatama’ honey will flow through your tongue. Honey will flow through your tongue & hence this communication operating from Samvada is another very important dimension in the perspective of Yoga.

The most important dimension in people’s skills, from the Yogic perspective is operating from emptiness & fullness. You’ve to learn the art to operating form emptiness & fullness. That’s why this mudra is called ‘Chin Mudra’ if you see Hindu GODs they’re in a mudra called ‘chin mudra,’ where their pointing finger merges with the thumb. When the pointing finger merges the thumb, inside both of it there’s emptiness. At the same time it’s fullness also. It’s called ‘chin mudra.’ In working with people, you’ve to learn to be empty when people criticise you, when people give accusations to you. If you can just learn to be empty, if you act out of fullness, is the most important Yogic skill working with people. At any point of time, you’ll have people criticising you & if people are criticising you, practice the chin mudra. Just be empty & if you’re empty the words will never affect you. And when you’ve to talk to them, act on them, then act out of fullness for this emptiness can be viewed as emptiness. This emptiness is also viewed as fullness & this is the meaning of the word chin mudra & therefore the most important eastern Yogic approach is being with people inwardly be empty so the others criticism don’t affect you. When you act the same emptiness becomes fullness & when you act out of fullness the power of fullness will start motivating people. Very important in life while motivating others, you also have to keep yourself motivated & for that to happen learn to be empty & learn to convert the emptiness as fullness. And if that skill you develop, then a very powerful dimension opens up.

If a flute is given to a musician like Hari Prasad Chaurasia, he can create magic out of the flute. Lord Krishna has a flute, now if you look at a flute it’s empty but in the hands of Lord Krishna or any flute person he knows how to use the emptiness so beautifully that beautiful music comes out of the flute. Exactly in the same way, life’s empty if you know how to use emptiness wisely, music will come. And therefore flute in Lord Krishna’s lips means learn to use the emptiness with fullness. But if an unintelligent person is given a flute only noise will come out of the flute but to a musician when a flute is given, music flows & this is the Eastern message that can you be empty like a flute in 1 way flute is empty in another way the same emptiness has fullness. So to life if you can be empty & out of emptiness when you operate it becomes fullness & therefore to operate from emptiness & to operate from fullness is the meaning of chin mudra & with this background if you can network with people, you’ll not only empower yourself but you’ll also empower others & this is the Yogic approach in dealing with people. Please listen to this tape more than once & develop the skill of how to skilfully network with people. May GOD bless you.

N.B.: - Words in Italic are in Sanskrit.

Reference:

People Management mp3 file length 49 minutes 38 seconds, size 67.95 megabytes. Sukhabodhananda, Swami. www.pravachanam.com. February 19, 2012. http://www.pravachanam.com/browse/english/selfdev_talks/swami_sukhabodhananda (accessed August 1, 2015).

Happy Marriage by Swami Sukhabodhanda (Transcribed tape)

Mr. Verma, caught his only son sneaking out late in the night & as he was sneaking out, his father caught his son & asked him, “where’re you going with this lantern?” And his son confessed, “Daddy I’m going to meet my girlfriend.” Son but why’re you going with a lantern? When I was young I used to go at the same time without a lantern in my days. But why do you’ve to go with a lantern? Daddy, that’s why you’ve got my mother in the dark & hence you’re suffering.

Friends to bring this light of intelligence in relationships is a very important dimension in life. If you don’t know how to bring the light of intelligence in the relationship be it in marriage, we live in illusion. The moment you live in illusion, you feel you’re living in reality. To bring intelligence the light of intelligence in life in your relationship is a very important dimension. I’ve seen people living in illusion & not living in intelligence.

There’s an interesting story of Mullah Nasserudin who had a quarrel with his wife & after a quarrel with his wife he rushed & hid himself under the bed. His wife was very fat & with a fighting tone told Mullah, “come out” & Mullah said, “why should I come out?” To which the wife says, “being a man aren’t ashamed? You’re under the bed & don’t have the guts to fight with me.” To which Mullah said, “I’m the master of the house. I can stay wherever I want to.”

Now he lives in an illusion that he’s a master but the reality is different. Hence lot of people in life, I find their relationships seems to be working more out of default rather than design. Here I’m going to help you, how your relationships in marriage can work more out of design not out of default. Out of intelligence you should operate & not out of illusion & brining that dimension in life is going to add a lot of juice & vitality to your life.

Recently in Mumbai I asked 1 of my students, “How’s your romance going on?” He was shocked & he said “Swamijee, romance with whom?” I told him, “I thought you’re married” He said, “I’m married but romance with whom?” I got a very powerful insight, so it appears that romance is before marriage & after marriage romance seems to end. And I always tell in my workshops to keep the romance alive in your marriage is a very important dimension to keep your relationship juicy. And therefore among the ‘navarasas’ 1 of the rasa is ‘shringhara.’ To keep the romance alive is a very important dimension for you to see your marriage works. Marriage has to work out of design & commitment. For a lot of people marriage is a working more out of default rather than a design.

The basic question people ask me in relationship in marriage, how do you go about Swamijee selecting a partner in life? How do you go about selecting a partner, I’m very confused how to select a partner. Lot of youngsters ask me this question. Before parents used to select nowadays the trend is they’ve to select the partner. 1 of my students was asking me recently in my workshop, how to go about selecting a partner in life? I told her, 5 important dimension to select a partner in life. But as you’re going about selecting a partner, please be very aware of the fact, there’s no perfect husband no perfect wife.

1 person was saying, Swamijee for 30 years I was searching for a perfect woman. Did you find 1? He says, I found 1 but she said, “you’re not a perfect man.” There’s no such thing as perfect man, perfect woman in a relationship. In fact in a humorous tone I’ll say this, “GOD himself isn’t perfect, why? Because he has created imperfect people like us.” More in a humorous tone I’m saying this. To be a perfectionist is a certain sickness in life. So don’t look for a perfect husband, perfect wife. Perfect means static. Something ends. Life is a process of growing & therefore there’s no perfect husband, perfect wife. Keeping that in perspective to go about selecting a partner 4 to5 important dimensions are necessary in marriage.

1. There’s a factor called the body.

2. Emotion

3. Mind

4. The Spiritual dimension

5. The financial dimension

These’re 5 important aspects; you’ve to take into consideration in selecting a partner in life. So often youngsters tell me, “Swamijee I don’t like that person because Chemistries aren’t clicking. Now beautiful to say Chemistries aren’t’ clicking. But so often some people only look at beauty in a partner & beauty becomes the only parameter in selecting a partner. That’s an unwise approach for beauty isn’t only physical, there’s also an internal beauty. Body also is important. The factor of body chemistry clicking is important. 1 is body. 2^nd emotions are very important. Along the line in relationships emotions play a very important role. More than your body if your husband & wife is caring, kind, loving, generous. You find there’s an emotional intimacy more than a physical intimacy. So look into the dimension of emotion. Whether the emotions are positive or emotions are negative. If a person’s emotions are more positive that’s another point that you’ve to go about in selecting a partner. 3^rd you’re intellectually, mentally also you should also vibe. And mental dimension is also important in a relationship so you’ve to give points for the mental component. Very important is the spiritual component. By spiritual I mean good values, noble values a person should’ve. Ultimately relationships are soul mates more than more than physical mates. The factor of spiritual dimension you should take it into consideration & also the financial dimension. External world also has a certain impact. If you’ve these 5 factors into consideration they help you in selecting the partner. But be aware all the 5 factors will not unanimously click. If a lot of those factors really click in you then the relationship can get into an intimate zone. To select a partner these 5 factors are absolutely essential.

Now to have clicked in a relationship marriage becomes a dimension. A lot of people in the West don’t get married. They only live together. Now slowly the trend is changing. Relationship should end up in marriage. When man woman join together & if there’s no commitment in the relationship then you find convenience becomes the parameter & not commitment. And therefore a lot of people are trying to ape the West by saying I want to be just in a relationship & not marriage. And if you do this then you’ll find something gets missed in the whole relationship. Commitment makes the relationship much closer. Why? Marriage is a commitment. Why commitment becomes closer? When you go to somebody’s house, you’ll find their drawing room; their front yard is very, very clean. But if you go to the backyard you’ll find a lot of dirt will be there. When they invite you as a guest, they’ll keep the drawing room very clean. Put all the garbage in the backyard. In the same way when you meet a man meet a woman in a relationship. Initially all the best comes out in front. The front yard is very beautiful but a lot of their weaknesses are pushed in the backyard. And when you’ll get married then you’ll go deeper in the relationship & then you’ll find, every man, every woman has his strengths, has his weakness, has his plus, has his minus. And therefore when you initially meet in your romantic relationship you only see the best in the person but once there’s a commitment you become closer you’ll start seeing their weakness, you’ll start seeing their negativity. And if there’s no bondage of commitment, if it’s only convenience then you’ll part from the relationship. And when you part from the relationship the relationship breaks down. You can never go deep. So marriage becomes essential when 2 people love because by commitment you’ll help them to cleanse their backyard. The wife will help you to cleanse your backyard & thus 1 becomes deeper & hence the danger of people tending to be in convenience & not in commitment is very important.

Marriage is the coffin of love. Is an expression people say & therefore we don’t want to get married. We want to only be together. Then I always give such youngsters this example. The President of a country in the West got into lot of legal problems for he had multiple affairs. And then when his daughter was about to get married, she brought a man & told, “Daddy you entered into a lot of extra-marital affairs, learning from you in a young age I want to get married to this man.” He said, “Daughter I’ve to be very honest. I’ve been a bad guy but please don’t get married to this man, because this man is your brother.” Now she was very disappointed. My GOD! She was very disappointed then anyway she couldn’t get married to this man after few months she brought another man & says, “Daddy I’m going to get married to this person.” Again the father said, “daughter I’ve to be very honest to you please don’t get married to this man because this person also is your brother.” Now every time daughter brought somebody, father landed up saying that he’s your brother. Now this became too much & gets very disappointed & goes meets the mother & says, “Mummy what is this any man I bring father says, he’s your brother” Mummy says, “Daughter get married to anyone of them, don’t worry.” But she says, “Mummy how can I get married, “Daddy is saying he’s your brother.” To which mother tells her daughter, “Don’t worry, get married to anyone of them because you’re not his daughter.”

When there’s no commitment in the relationship, it’s only convenience, people start flirting around like this & therefore relationship needs commitment. Commitment makes a relationship go very closer & you help each other in becoming much more closer. Another important aspect in relationship for a commitment which will help you very much is in a marriage, after selecting a partner, after entering into marriage, there’s always seasons in a relationship & you’ve to understand like how there’s summer, winter, spring. How there’s seasons even in relationships along the line, there’re going to be seasons when you get married. Everything is spring, everything is beautiful, slowly when you known each other, then winter comes, each 1 is frozen with their points of view then again rainy season. So relationship also goes through seasons & when it goes through seasons, it’s only the magic of commitment. In Sanskrit we say “sankalpa”, is the magic of sankalpa which can go through all the seasons of life & hence commitment becomes an important dimension in a relationship.

In the Veda, there’s an expression, the moment you get married there should be a certain attitude a man & a woman should’ve & these is what the famous text called “Grihiya sutras” says. Now every married couple should be aware of this powerful dimension which Yoga presents that relationship should’ve a certain quality. So a person gets married is called “Vivaha” & the next “Samskara”, the next spiritual ceremony in the Hindu tradition is called “Garbhadhana samskara”. And in the Garbhadhana samskara, what really happens is this, man & woman get married for the 1^st night when they’re there, the priest utters so many mantras & ultimately the essence of the mantras are this. When a man meets a woman for the 1^st night in relationship, you should’ve a healthy attitude towards sex. Sex in Sanskrit is called “maithuna” and therefore the expression is “convert maithuna into prarthana” all the essence of those mantras in the “Grihiya sutras says convert maithuna into prarthana. Now this is a very healthy attitude in marriage.

Now what is maithuna & prarthana? It’s said when the man meets the women in marriage, through the body of my wife, I’m meeting the Lord. The wife feels through the body of my husband I’m meeting the Lord. The body is a temple; the Lord is the “antaryamin” The in dweller in the body.  So therefore a man & woman meet, through the body of my husband I’m meeting the Lord, who’s the in dweller, through the body of my wife I’m meeting the Lord who’s the in dweller & with this sacred attitude maithuna gets converted into prarthana. This is the essence of all the mantras which are said when a man & woman get married in a ritual called garbhadhana samskara. With this attitude if 1 enters into a relationship, the great rishi Vatsayana & the different commentaries say, there’s a different ladder of love which opens up. Maithuna plays an important role in a relationship. When man & woman meet first with commitment, it’s only their body initially are meeting & when bodies meet this is called as sex, maithuna.

The centre of sex is lust. So if relationship is purely based on lust, relationship is never fulfilling. What the rishis tell us is go a next step, convert your maithuna into prema. Prema means love. From maithuna convert it into prema, love so man & woman meets in a physical relationship. Let there be a love energy which connects between individual & the centre of love is caring & out of caring when you enter into a relationship a sexual act is done. Each 1 caring the other then you’ll find there’s a tremendous intimacy which builds up & sex gets transformed into prema.

Now 1 shouldn’t stop at that according to the rishis from prema, it should become maitrei, maitrei means friendliness. Mitra is friendship. Maitrei is friendliness. Friendliness means quality of a relationship, like flower gives fragrance. Now when flower gives fragrance is 1, but flower gives fragrance to whoever comes, now that is a quality of friendliness. Same way in the relationship of love, love which has caring has always a dimension of possessiveness. Now that has to be transformed into maitrei & the centre of maitrei that is friendliness is non-domination. 1 shouldn’t dominate the other, husband shouldn’t dominate the wife. The wife shouldn’t dominate the husband & thus from prema to become maitrei is a very important transformation in a relationship called marriage.

Up to prema, up to love, lot of relationships get into, there’s a tendency each 1 becomes possessive of the other. Husband starts possessing the wife, wife starts possessing the husband. It clearly shows a sense of insecurity & if there’s insecurity, you’ll always torture the other person. If you really love a person you should set him free & when you can set him free, it’s non-domination. So relationship should get into such a state that I don’t dominate my husband, I don’t dominate my wife. I still love my husband. I love my wife & if non-domination enters into a relationship at the same time with commitment they’re together then you’ll find a certain beauty opens up in the relationship. From maithuna sex it should become prema, from prema, it should become maitrei. Maitrei is friendliness & the centre for friendliness is non-domination.

The next stage from friendliness it should become Bhakti. Bhakti means devotion & the centre for devotion is sacredness. You should look at your wife from a sacred space. Wife should start looking at you from a sacred space. The centre in each 1 of us are divine. That centre called divine if you constantly see this in life, looking at your wife as divine. Wife looks at the husband as divine & when Bhakti is brought in your relationship not only in your bed but in every walk of your life then your relationship gains a different beauty, a different flavour all together. And therefore in your daily life at each moment when the wife is serving breakfast to you, when the husband is helping the wife, can you bring this attitude of seeing my partner in a sacred space, in a sacred climate. And then you’ll find in your energy levels more than your body, there’s a certain intimacy as the certain union which starts developing in a relationship. And therefore the 4^th dimension is Bhakti.

From Bhakti it has to get transformed into Karuna. Karuna means compassion & the centre of Karuna is forgiveness. In every relationship we’ve plus, we’ve minus. 1 should be able to forgive their partner for their weakness & if forgiveness isn’t brought in a relationship then you’ll always speak on somebody’s negative & then exaggerate the negative & invalidate their positive & therefore it should end up in Karuna & Karuna centre is forgiveness & in that space the relationship ultimately flowers into a very different quality altogether & therefore the ladder of love according to Yoga is from maithuna, from sex with the centre is lust, it has to become prema, the prema centre is caring. From prema it has to be converted into maitri. The centre of maitri is non-domination. From maitri it has to go to Bhakti the centre of Bhakti is sacredness. From Bhakti it has to go to Karuna, i.e. compassion. The centre of compassion is forgiveness & in this space, when a relationship is done not only in your bed in each moment in your life then ‘raso-vai-saha.’ The Veda says your whole being becomes so juicy so alive & when such a juicy person speaks, ‘juhua mein madhu matama’ the Veda says honey will flow through your tongue & therefore the dimension in marriage is, can you bring this wonderful ladder of love in your moment to moment relationship & then you’ll find that you become no more a sure man & woman you’ll be more like a ‘ardha-narishwara.’ There’s a concept called ardha-narishwara, half is Shiva & half is Parvati means man & woman so merges together. It’s like 2 bodies & 1 soul & therefore a tremendous flowering in the relationship of love. This is a beautiful Vedic, Yogic dimension in the relationship of marriage.

Now this concept is very beautiful, you’ve to experiment with it. But concept is always a concept. You’ve to bring it into reality. Even though the vision is beautiful to bring the vision into reality you’ll have certain difficulties & in the process of these difficulties man & women should help in cleansing each other.

Sometime ago 1 of my students came to me & said, “Swamijee I’ve a lot of problem.” I asked him, “with whom?” Who else Swamijee, with my wife & then he told, you’re not married so it’s beautiful to give a discourse on marriage, etc. You get married & then you’ll know how difficult it is to deal with a woman. This is what he told me. Then I told him, “If you don’t want my advice, I’m not going to give you.” But he said, “No Swamijee you must help me, I’m in deep trouble with my wife.” I said, “what’s your problem?” He told, “I’m a businessman, I come home little late & when I come home late, my wife is such an expert in nagging a PhD has to be given to her & she nags me so much, the worst in me comes out. And as a businessman it’s very difficult for me to come early. I tell her but she continues bugging me & it has landed in such trouble that just few days ago in our quarrel I got so angry that I took the cup & saucer & threw & it fell on the TV & the TV broke. I was very unhappy. The worst in me she brought out. Now I thought I’m unhappy, my wife will also be unhappy. Low to my surprise I found she’s happy that I’m unhappy, because when she saw me out of control, she’s in control. If this continues my VCR will break. Now please see that I don’t break things, help me how to handle my wife’s nagging.”

I got a pound full insight when he shared this to me. He says help me so that my VCR will not break, he says. It appears, people love objects & use people instead of loving people & using objects. He should ask me, how can I keep my relationships alive? He says, “How to save my VCR?” I told this to him, “See on how your relationship has to work not your VCR.” But then he told me, “Swamijee somehow you’ve to help me.” I told him, “Very important dimension in marriage, your partner needs quality time & not quantity time understand this. When she tells you, please comeback little early, she needs quality time & not quantity time.” I explained to him the difference between quantity time & quality time. In fact in 1 of my workshops a lady shared this to me, she said, “24 hours my husband is in front of me. His business is in the top. For everything he comes down. Looking at him I’ve got fed up of him. She has quantity time but no quality time. Then I explained to him. Partners don’t need quantity time, they need more quality.

Now what is quality time, I explained, learn to appreciate a person, learn to connect to a person, whatever few moments you’re with your wife. For example, you come home late, now really with full of heart explain to her, I missed you, I care for you. Whatever few moments appreciate, what she has cooked, appreciate how she has done there. Please be generous in appreciating & the moment you’re generous in appreciating. Whatever few moments you’re with your wife or husband, 1 feels very alive. But some people are so miserly even to appreciate anybody, they feel appreciating also is like paying tax to the Government.

Sometime ago a woman came to me & said, “Swamijee my husband is literally a Rakshasha.” She said. I asked, “What do you mean by this?” See Swamijee I go to different cooking classes. I prepare so beautiful food. Like a Bakasura he simply eats. He doesn’t say the food is good, nothing, he simply eats. He can’t even give a word of appreciation. I asked the husband since he was also my student I called him, I said, “why can’t you appreciate when your wife is taking so much of time going out cooking, learning cooking classes. Why can’t you appreciate?” Why should I appreciate her Swamijee? If I eat more Idlis let her know the cooking is good. Even to appreciate you need massive reason it appears. Now you don’t appreciate your wife, then your neighbour’s husband will appreciate your wife & then you’ll land up in lot of trouble. So I told him, appreciate. If you come late or whatever moments of time, learn to be generous in appreciating your wife & then you’ll find you’ll create a quality time. But he told me, “this is not our Indian culture Swamijee” Who said so, “I said, when you do Puja to the Lord, Vishnu Sahasranamam, Lalitha Sahasranamam, they’re all called as stuti. Stuti means praising the Lord. The Lord need not be praised. That’s only a device for you to develop an appreciating attitude towards the Lord. Once you develop an appreciating attitude then you’ll appreciate the Sun, appreciate the stars, you’ll appreciate your wife, your children & an appreciating heart it’s very difficult for it to be unhappy.” I explained to him of quality time. Then I told him you’ve to create a balance. However busy that you’re you’ve to create a balance between office & home. That balance you’ve to create & after creating it, let us say, still you’re late now you should know how to manage your anger. When you get angry, do some breathing techniques like Pranayama, etc & finally after telling him so many techniques lastly have a very important technique. It’s like a Brahma-astra for me. I tell him, in spite of all this doesn’t work & you come home late, your wife nags you, bugs you, simply enjoy, your wife’s bugging I say. Just enjoy your wife’s nagging. He got confused, he said, “Swamijee how can you enjoy wife’s nagging?” I said, “Why can’t you enjoy” He said, “Swamijee you’re a logical man but this appears very illogical.” I asked him, “why?”  He said, “How can you enjoy when your wife is nagging?” I asked him this question, do you take alcohol? & he said, “I take Swamijee” I said, “When initially you took alcohol it was all very beautiful, very sweet, very nice.” He says, “No it was bitter.” So if initially you took alcohol it was bitter, but you had the patience the perseverance to take alcohol even though it was bitter. You had the patience the perseverance & along the line you developed the taste towards alcohol & then you got a kick out of alcohol. The word kick is very beautiful in English. I said in the same way, initially your wife’s nagging will be like an alcohol. It’ll be bitter. Go on enjoying, enjoying & then you’ll get a kick out of your wife’s nagging, I said. He went away.

Now this technique what I’ve told him is called as “Ananda Lahiri”, Ananda is Bliss, Lahiri means waves, waves of bliss. We’ve to go on generating, waves of bliss. I’m talking to you now, I should feel blissful & only then my talking is going to be powerful. So therefore simply enjoy your wife’s nagging I said. Bring that quality. I’ve been tried all other techniques now with lot of reverence but with a pinch of salt, he went away & after few days he came & met me with a beautiful panacea smile & said, “Swamijee, it really works, what you’ve said, it really works. I myself got confused how it worked. He said, “Really it works” & when he said it works. I immediately laughed. I had read a cartoon & the cartoon goes like this. The husband comes home & the wife says, “Where’ve you been?” & the husband says, “To my Guru?” The wife says, “What did the Guru do?” He gave me a mantra. What is the mantra? He told me not to tell the mantra to anybody. The wife got so upset. Useless fellow 27.5 years I’ve suffered with you. This Guru who came yesterday is more important than me. You better make your decision. Do you want the mantra or do you want me? All your management decision making skills, you apply now. You want the mantra or me. But he continued chanting the mantra mentally & he said, “I’m not supposed to talk about the mantra.” The wife gets so annoyed. She packs her luggage, goes to the door & says, “Mantra or me?” And the husband continues chanting the mantra. She walks out of the house. This man says “mantra works.”

Now when this man said, “Swamijee it works”, suddenly I remembered this cartoon that I read. I’m laughing because of the cartoon. I asked him, “What happened?” & this is a real incident. He told me, “Swamijee I practiced what all you said, but due to unavoidable reasons I came late & my wife started her nagging. My blood pressure rose. She brought coffee; she brought khakra but continued nagging. She was cursing the astrologer who set the marriage, she was cursing the parents of the astrologer producing the astrologer & suddenly I remembered what you said. You told me to simply enjoy wife’s nagging & practice the Anand Lahiri technique. Anyway I don’t have to pay any entertainment tax, so I folded my hands & said let me really enjoy my wife’s nagging & then a wonderful thing happened Swamijee, with those wondering eyes & enjoyable attitude that let me attitude that let me enjoy with this commitment, when I started looking at my wife for the first time I realised Swamijee, how beautifully my wife nags. How beautifully she nags. She has hardly studied X Standard but in her nagging, there’s so much of communication skills. There’s pause, pace, pitch, punctuation, voice modulation, open statement, close statement. All this communication skills she’s got without going to any communication workshops. I’ve gone through many communication workshops but I’ve not developed this skills & she remembers 2.5 spoons of sugar.  I take 2.5 she remembers, for the 1^st time I experienced wonder. The wonder is she’s nagging me, thinking of the astrologer & the parents of the astrologer but still she remembers 2.5 spoons of sugar.” For the 1^st time I experienced what Lord Krishna in the Bhagvad Gita says that everything is a wonder. The Lord says, the speaker is a wonder, the talker is a wonder, the walker is a wonder, the listener is a wonder. If you understand what I’m saying it’s a wonder & if you don’t understand that is also a wonder. I’m not saying this the Lord says. In spite of listening some people don’t understand. That’s also a wonder.

It seems a scholar was giving a discourse on Ramayana. After 7 days Ramayana discourse 1 person gets up & says, “Panditjee, only 1 doubt I’ve got everything is clear in Ramayana, only 1 doubt.” The scholar asked, “What is the doubt?” “The only doubt, who’s the villain, whether Rama is the villain or Ravana is the villain. The Panditjee paused, turned his stuff then he said, “Rama isn’t the rakshasha, Ravana isn’t the Rakshasha, I’m that Rakshasha teaching you, he says.” Now everything is a wonder. The Lord says develop wonderful eyes, wondering eyes. “Vismayaha Yoga bhumika.” Is a sutra in the Shiva Sutra. Lord Shiva says, the foundation of spiritual life should be ‘vismayaha’ ‘vismayaha’ means wonderment, ‘yoga bhumika’ means the bases of a spiritual life should be wonderment. Out of wondering eyes when you’ll start looking at life, life becomes very divine, life becomes very celestial. Life becomes highly musical.

So therefore when she was nagging & he saw the wonderment of what she was talking & the memory & with wondering eyes a different cognition opened up in him. A different perception opened up in him & then he saw ah, my wife is nagging me why, because she loves me, she cares for me & I’m so lucky that somebody loves & cares for me & therefore he dropped all his petty logic, simply got up & hugged her with tears in eyes, didn’t give any answer simply hugged her said, “I’m sorry for what has happened.” It seems both of them started crying & the relationship got patched up very differently. He didn’t bring logic, he brought only his feelings. After 6-7 years I met him, asked him, “How your marriage is going on?” He told me, “Swamijee the nagging continues, my enjoyment continues.” This will be same in the remaining marriage. The nagging will continue you’ve to learn to enjoy.

Like there’s summer, you’ve to learn to enjoy summer, winter, you’ve to learn. Learn to bring this technique of, ‘Ananda Lahiri’, learn to enjoy whatever you’re doing & life becomes beautiful. When you’ve difficulty bring this technique called simply enjoying your relationship giving quality time, working in whatever areas you can work but learn this method of really enjoying, difficulty enjoying your nagging, you’ll not be a victim of nagging, you’ll be a victor. This technique of learning to enjoy is called, “Ananda Lahiri.”

There’s a beautiful cartoon in fact I’ve created this cartoon. It seems Lord Krishna was watching a football match. It’s not a real incident, it’s just an example. Don’t read in the Bhagvat it’s not there. Lord Krishna was witnessing a football match between the Hindus & the Muslims. Every time the Hindus took the ball to the Muslim court, Lord Krishna jumped, played his flute & he was so happy. I was also jumping. After sometime when the Muslims took the ball to the Hindu court again Lord Krishna used to jump & play his flute. I was utterly confused. So I touched Lord’s feet & asked him, “whose side do you belong, Hindus or the Muslims?” And the Lord said, “I don’t belong to any side I’m simply enjoying the football match.”

If we can learn this art of unconditionally enjoying life, you’ll find life becomes beautiful. The problem with us is we’ve too many conditions. You say, only when I become the managing director of the company I can become happy. Only when I marry Miss World I’ll become happy. Only when I become a rich man I’ll become happy & therefore your rules are preventing you in being happy. If you can drop these rules & learn to simply love & enjoy your relationship but the very magic of enjoyment you find a different harmony, a different rapport gets built in the relationship & that’s what 1 has to explore & therefore when you’re wife or husband is bugging you, nagging you, learn to simply enjoy the relationship at the same time out of that enjoyment do whatever you can do to make each other closer.

Another very important dimension in relationship is, please don’t be too busy correcting your partner. Sometimes you’re too busy making your husband right, wife right. It’s like a plumber was taken to Niagara Falls & when he saw Niagara Falls this plumber said, “I think I can set this Niagara Falls right.”

Learn to give freedom for somebody to be little wrong & life becomes very different. Very important for me is in a relationship develop some systems. 1 of the systems which I’ll tell you which will be very useful in your relationship is this. If husband & wife can sit down together & arrive at what your value systems are, let husband, wife once in a week sit down & arrive at your value systems. Then right down your value systems, your wife’s values systems. For example somebody’s value’s system, top value system can be religion. 2^nd value system can be social service. 3^rd value system can be, being successful. 4^th can be family. 5^th can be outing. So write down your value systems. 2^nd prioritise your value systems. Then, you sit down together & study each other’s value systems. When you can study each other’s value systems then you’ll become much more closer. You’ll see ah, your wife has her top priorities family; your top priority can be work. Now when you see your values systems are different, it doesn’t mean to say, it’s in conflict. Now your value systems are different. Your wife’s value systems are different. Now the 2^nd step you should do is after arriving at the value system, the very process of arriving your wife’s value system, your value systems makes each other feel that each 1 of us are really caring for each other in a deeper level. After arriving at it, the 2^nd thing you’ve to do, is can you support especially your partner’s top value system. Top value system can you? For example if the husband’s top value system is work. Can the wife support it & if the wife’s top value system is family can the husband support it. In whatever level can you support? Arrive at the value system. 2^nd learn to support their value system. The moment you’re trying to support the value system then the partner feels very cared, feels somebody cares for me, that’s the 2^nd step. 3^rd step you should do is, if your value systems are in conflict come to an agreement frame. Now what is a conflict? Let us say the husband’s top value system is that he likes to always go out for outing & the wife’s value system is to be at home. If that is in conflict come into an agreement frame. The agreement frame is 50% of the time, even though you don’t like to go out, learn to go out. Now the husband even though he doesn’t like to be in the house always, 50% of the time he has to learn. So come into an agreement frame, either 50-50 or 60-40 or 70-30, do whatever accepts possible. Thus learn to support each other & wherever there’s a conflict get into an agreement frame & when that happens then you’ll find, you become highly intimate & close because you care for each other. Every week if husband & wife can sit down together, arrive at the value system, see how you can support, wherever it’s in conflict, if you can get into an agreement there’s a certain kind of intimacy which starts building & for me in my personal counselling for people this system has really helped relationships very much because then you’re caring for each other & developing a healthy system.

The next important aspect in relationship is this, so often relationship each 1 projects on the other. There’s a projector in you, projecting your image, your opinion, your conclusion on the other & when you project on the other, you hardly see the other; you see your projections of the other. It’s like in the movie, there’s an empty screen, there’s a projector & the movie is projected on the screen. Afterwards you don’t see the screen you only seen the movie. So often we project on the other & so often we don’t see the other, we see our own projection of the other. This is called, drishti-shrishti vada. Your very drishti creates the shrishti.

I want you to listen to this complex statement & it’s very important. There’s a perceiver in each 1 of us. The perceiver pollutes the perception & perceives the perceived as an extension of the perceiver & has an illusion that you’re perceiving the perceived. Reflect on this. There’s a perceiver in you which pollutes the perception, for example if a person is an orthodox Hindu, he looks at a Muslim, the perceiver pollutes the perception, Oh he’s a Muslim & when he pollutes the perception then he perceives the perceived as an extension of the perceiver, he doesn’t look at him like a human being, all his prejudices of the other religion he projects. This is what happens in a relationship. The perceiver pollutes the perception & then perceives the perceived as an extension of the perceiver. So often we project ourselves on the others. This is called in Sanskrit as adhyasa. We superimpose on the other & if we’re alert not to superimpose then you see the person as he/she is not your projected self. This is called drishti-shrishti vada.

The next aspect you’ve to be very aware in relationship is this, let us say your husband is dominating, your husband is arrogant, now let the husband become like a mirror & when he becomes a mirror, see the arrogance in him. Do you’ve the same quality within you? Instead of simply cursing your husband is arrogant if your husband is arrogant, let the arrogant husband become a mirror in which you look within yourself do I’ve that quality? And if you can look you’ve that quality, every time the other person becomes a mirror to look within yourself & if you remove your arrogance, your vanity then you’ll become compassionate to your husband’s weakness rather than being busy in trying to curse his weakness. This method is very beautiful in relationship when your husband is arrogant. Husband is cruel. Look at that cruelty & see whether you’ve it & invariably in some level or the other if not in the same intensity you’ll have it & once you see you’ve it, you remove that negativity & then you’ll be kind to your partner, rather than be busy in cursing the partner & in that space a tremendous phenomenon happens & that is called shrishti-drishti vada.

There’s an expression shrishti there’s a creation. Drishti, you’re only seeing that creation. 2 things there’s drishti-shrishti vada & shrishti-drishti vada. Means drishti-shrishti, you project on the other. The other is there’s a creation you’re only seeing the creation & if you see the creation you see what is as is, what is not as is not & when you’ll learn that ability to see like this then you’ll find each moment is the dance of the divine. Each moment is the gift of existence. Then you’ll find you’ll start becoming soul mates instead of sheer physical mates. Relationship gets merged into that dimension. So the whole concept in Yoga of marriage is you should help each other in discovering oneness. Duality should become non-duality. Dwaiyta should become advaiyta & when that phenomenon happens then you’ll find that everything is divine. When you see your wife as divine through that you’ll see the whole existence is divine so duality will become non-duality & in that phenomenon the miracle of existence as GOD opens up as an insight & not as a concept. Please listen to this tape, not once but many times & practice what I’m saying & then you’ll find insights opening up in your life. May GOD bless you all.

N.B.: - Words in Italic are in Sanskrit.

Happy Marriage mp3 file length 50 minutes 40 seconds, size 60.32 megabytes. Sukhabodhananda, Swami. www.pravachanam.com. February 19, 2012. http://www.pravachanam.com/browse/english/selfdev_talks/swami_sukhabodhananda (accessed August 1, 2015).