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Monday, 30 December 2013

Some upsetting moments of 2013

Death of my cousin: - The most saddest moment was death of my cousin. He passed away at the start of 2013.

Old father taking care of his mentally challenged adult son: - While doing my internship in Lokmanya Tilak Municipal General Hospital’s (Sion Hospital) Psychiatry ward in Mumbai, I encountered a helpless & depressed father who used to bring his mentally challenged adult son aged between 28 to 35 years. It was very depressing to see a poor old man beyond 60 years of age taking such pains of caretaking his son. From their attire I felt that they belonged to a humble family & the old man may have worked very hard throughout his life to earn daily needs & support his family. In spite of all the hardships he may have gone through from a very young age he is still going through a lot of trouble even at such an old age. I kept wondering since how many years this man may have been without peace. It’s a child or children’s moral obligation to take care of their parents after becoming an adult. Regrettably the mentally challenged adult’s father was so unfortunate to not have got happiness, understanding, etc from his son.

Completing my Masters from TISS: - Some weeks before completing my Masters from TISS I was feeling very nostalgic everyday. I felt how so soon 2 years in TISS passed. I kept thinking about all the people whom I had befriended & how much I’ll be missing them. Leaving TISS was somewhat heart-breaking.

Death of a close mentor: - An Advocate named Mr. Brijmukesh Bhagat for whom I used I did part time work for 9 years passed away due to stroke at the age of 60. It was unexpected as he wasn’t a high blood pressure patient or diabetic. I tried my best to save him by taking him to a nearby hospital but his destiny was determined. He wasn’t married & at times he treated me like his family member. It was very depressing to lose a close person who knew me since my birth.

Getting admitted in a hospital: - For the first time after my birth I got admitted in a hospital in Ernakulam district in Kerala named Govt. Ayurveda Hospital Tripunithura in to treat my mysterious right knee pain. After consulting many allopathic doctors for my knee trouble which I had for more than 1 year & when nothing worked out my father forced me to take Ayurvedic treatment. The Ayurvedic doctor felt that I require hospitalisation & hence admitted me. I was hospitalised for around 21 days. Although being hospitalised was only a financial concern for me but certain things that I saw there were very depressing. A young adult travelling on his bike had an accident against a heavy vehicle & that resulted in one of his leg getting amputated. The young adult may be around 25 years of age & was care taken by his old father. It was extremely depressing & painful. I felt so many future dreams & expectations the family members may have had may have got quashed due to a tragic incident. I felt that after one becomes young he/she should take care of his/her parents but in some unfortunate cases it becomes other way around.

In another case an aspiring advocate who was studying law was losing his eyesight strength gradually. He had spent a lot of money at a lot of hospitals in India to prevent his optical nerve from deteriorating anything hardly worked out.

Death of Satyanarayan Goenkajee: - I've always considered Mr. Goenka as my informal Guru. His teachings made me a better human. He passed away on 29th September 2013. His death shattered me & I decided to get discharged from the Govt. Ayurveda Hospital Tripunithura in which I was admitted due to my knee pain.

Reflections: -

After becoming successful one shouldn’t become egoistic or become proud of self or be proud of all the hard work he/she did but can be proud of his/her destiny or good luck. Majority of people want to become successful & want to achieve a lot of things in life. Majority of people work very hard but don’t get success as they don’t have good luck with them. Majority of people aspire success but even one terrible setback thrusts them backward & quashes their dreams.

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Unable to cherish present due to past

Working on it.

The Machinist movie's story and some incidents of my life

The Machinist is a psychological thriller movie directed by Brad Anderson, written & screenplay by Scott Kosar & produced by Julio Fernández, Castelao Productions, Filmax International. The movie stars Christian Bale, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Aitana Sanchez-Gijon, Michael Ironside, John Sharian & various other actors. It released on 18 January 2004.

The protagonist is Trevor Reznik played by Christian Bale. The movie is a suspenseful psychological thriller with many twists & turns.

Psychoanalysis of Christian Bale’s character as Trevor Reznik: - Trevor is a machinist at the National Corporation. He is single & lives in Mrs. Shrike’s house on rent. He hardly eats, smokes cigarettes. His quality of life is poor. He pastes post-it notes that are somewhat cryptic on his refrigerator to remind him of things or events.

Trevor Reznik is living with extreme guilt as he had accidently dashed a young boy named Nicholas while driving a red coloured car. After the accident he looks at the boy & sees the boy’s mother (Aitana Sanchez-Gijon) running towards her collapsed son. He is shocked & drives away in fear of getting punished rather than attempting to save Nicholas. Ever since the accident Trevor lives in denial, & has repressed that accident.

He works with heavy machines in a factory. He is a loner at his work place & doesn’t have peace at home. He loves a hooker woman named Stevie (Jennifer Jason Leigh) & spends his money on her. After work a colleague asks him to join for card game but he refuses it with some other plan. Another colleague tells “You may not realize this, but some men prefer the company of women.” Trevor is a spendthrift when he is with women as he travels to eat at an airport restaurant (where food is relatively expensive) rather than any nearby restaurant. In the airport restaurant he interacts only with Marie (Aitana Sanchez-Gijon) a night waitress. He even gives her big tips. It looks like having something at the airport restaurant isn’t his main intention but his main intention is to spend some time with Marie. Below is Trevor’s conversation with Marie at the airport restaurant.

Marie: Ever hear of pumpkin pie?
Trevor: Nope.
Marie: Trevor?
Trevor: Yeah?
Marie: Can I ask you a question?
Trevor: Sure.
Marie: Why do you go out of your way to come here every night?
Trevor: Is it out of the way?
Marie: An airport? For coffee & pie?
Trevor: Suppose I went to Denny's. Suddenly I get an overwhelming urge to skip town. Could I do that at just any diner?
Marie: Is someone chasing you?
Trevor: Not yet. But they will when they find out who I am.
Marie: Oh, really? Who are you?
Trevor: Can you keep a secret?
Marie: To the grave.
Trevor: I'm Elvis Presley. I ran away from home to pursue my blue collar aspirations.
Marie: I thought you looked familiar..

These above conversation infers that Trevor enjoys women’s company & is also at peace when he is with them as he looks calm & reveals his tender side but in reality he’s very emaciated & depressed.

Post-it notes & hallucination:  Trevor has a habit of pasting post-it notes on his refrigerator to remind him of things or events. The note changes to something that he didn’t write & it begins to symbolise his memory about the hit & run accident that he had repressed. In reality the notes were hallucination due to his superego to remind him that he’s a killer.

At times Trevor seems to see a man named Ivan (John Sharian) at different places like outside his work place, in his work place, in a bar, at his home etc. One day Trevor gets paired to work with a colleague named Miller (Michael Ironside). Trevor sees Ivan & gets distracted. It results in a serious accident & Miller’s hand gets cut in a machine. To prove that he’s innocent, Trevor explains to his boss by telling that the accident happened due to Ivan’s distraction. However Trevor’s boss doesn’t accept it & tells Trevor that nobody named Ivan works in the factory. Below is the conversation that had happened.

Machine officer: These accidents are never pretty, Mr. Reznik. It's our job to investigate these events from every possible angle, so that we might prevent their recurrence. So we'd appreciated it if you would be a bit more cooperative.
Trevor: I knocked into the activator. By mistake.
Machine officer: What caused the mistake, Mr. Reznik?
Trevor: I was distracted.
Machine officer: By what? What "distracted" you?
Trevor: It was lvan. I was watching lvan in the pit. The whole thing was my fault. Okay?
Furman: Who did you say?
Trevor: The new arc welder. I don't know his last name.
Furman: What new arc welder?
Trevor: Ivan. The guy from the swing-shift. Reynolds was picked up on a warrant & this guy took his place.
Tucker: What are you talking about, Reznik? Reynolds is right over there in the pit, as usual.
Furman: There is no "lvan" at National Machining, Reznik.

A significant scene in the movie: In one scene, Trevor is speaking on phone next to a novel “The Idiot – Dostoyevsky”. It’s a noteworthy scene & it infers that the novel may have inspired Trevor to some extent.

Poor reality test:  While spending time at Stevie’s house he sees a photograph in which he’s with his friend & big fish that they had caught. He isn’t able to see himself in the photo. Trevor’s delusion & paranoia makes him strongly believe that Ivan is in the photo instead of him. It makes him further believe that Ivan was Stevie’s ex-boyfriend & Stevie still loves Ivan, that’s why she has kept Ivan’s photo in her house. He suspects that Stevie & Ivan have a truce & they’ve been conspiring to harm him. He confronts Stevie about the photograph. Stevie explains to Trevor that there is no Ivan in the photograph & Trevor is in the photograph however Trevor doesn’t believe Stevie. Trevor forgets that some moments ago Stevie took his care as he was badly hurt. He strongly thinks that Stevie is fooling & cheating on him hence he abuses her. Their argument agitates Stevie & she isn’t able to tolerate Trevor’s nonsense & profanity anymore. Stevie realises that Trevor isn’t a normal man but a Psycho & hence throws Trevor out of her house. The defence mechanism used by Trevor here was projection.

Some moments before the movie’s end one can come to know that even Marie & Nicholas were the characters of Trevor’s imagination. After an argument with Stevie Trevor goes to the airport restaurant again to spend some time with Marie. Below is the conversation that happens when Trevor reaches the airport restaurant.

Trevor: Where is Maria?
Waitress: Who?
Trevor: You know who.
Maria. My waitress.
Waitress: My! You're chatty tonight. Darling, I'm your waitress.
Trevor: What's going on here? I've never seen you before.
Waitress: What are you talking about? You come in here every night, sitting on that same stool, staring at your coffee. To be honest, I was starting to think you were a mute.
Trevor: I want to see Maria.
Waitress: Mister. There is no Maria that works here.

This infers that Trevor used to visit the airport restaurant & used to imagine communicating with Marie. Trevor felt guilty of harming Nicholas & not helping Marie when she ran to save her son after Trevor dashed his car to Nicholas. As he had ignored to help Marie, Trevor’s mind created Marie a woman working at an airport restaurant. The guilt of ignoring Marie made him visit the airport restaurant & be compassionate to her & her son Nicholas. He even used to leave big tips for Marie & took them to an amusement park on mother’s day. The defence mechanism used by Trevor here was undoing.

Trevor was affectionate to Marie’s son Nicholas & he thinks that Ivan kidnapped Nicholas. Already in rage as Trevor felt that Ivan had followed him many times, created big troubles like an accident in his factory that led to his colleague Miller lose his arm, Trevor lost his job due to Ivan & Trevor even believed that Ivan collaborated with Stevie & they both were conspiring against him, he confronts Ivan & eventually kills him but later finds that Ivan had never kidnapped Nicholas.

Obsessive compulsive disorder: Trevor’s guilt had caused tremendous conflict in his mind & that has caused psychological problems like Obsessive compulsive disorder, (compulsive cleaning). To clean his hands he prefers to wash them with bleach. In my opinion Trevor’s mind is full of guilt & he wants to clean it but doesn’t know how. To clean is one of his main agendas & whenever he is in stress or feels anxious or guilty he keeps cleaning his hands & bathroom tiles with bleach as these are some things he can clean. He has been shown cleaning his hands with bleach whenever he feels guilty for example after his friend Miller lost his arm due to his Mistake, when he loses his job, after killing Ivan, etc. The defence mechanism he uses here is displacement as he’s eliminating his negative energy by doing something similar i.e. clean.

Chronic insomnia: He claims to Stevie to have not slept for a year, or maybe he may have slept little & forgot it. Below is a conversation that infers it.

Stevie: What's wrong?
Trevor: I just want to lie here.
Stevie: You could fall asleep if you want. Off the meter.
Trevor: That's the problem. I can't sleep. Nothing helps.
Stevie: Don't worry about it, honey. Everyone gets insomnia now & then.
Trevor: Stevie, I haven't slept in a year.

Paranoid personality disorder: He suspects that Tucker who works in the corporation dislikes him & has devised a plot against him. He even felt that Miller influenced his friends to take revenge against him by powering the machine that got him nearly killed. He even feels that Reynolds is causing problems. He also suspected that his girlfriend Stevie collaborated with Ivan & was cheating on him. After suspecting many he gets a feeling that Ivan is responsible for all the problems & harm that happened to him.

Visual & auditory hallucinations: Speaking with Ivan seeing Ivan at different occasions, killing Ivan, spending time with Marie & her young son Nicholas).

Deep dark depression: He looks very depressed, doesn’t eat well, doesn’t socialise.

Dissociative disorder: He doesn’t remember his car’s number. He doesn’t recognise the waitress at the airport restaurant who served him many times. Clock time always 1:30 Whenever wherever Trevor sees any clock i.e. in the airport restaurant, Marie’s house, etc. he finds the time to be 1:30. He never takes the clock time seriously but he sees 1:30 always as seconds before dashing his car to Nicholas he had seen his car clock’s time & it was 1:30.

Self harm: His psychological traumatic pain made him tremendously anxious & thus to know about a car owner which he suspects is Ivan, he doesn’t hesitate to harm himself by running in front of a random running car as without harming self the police won’t give him any information about the car’s owner. This infers that he his psychological pain is so high that his mind won’t give any attention to his physical pain caused due to a car accident thus he doesn’t hesitate to self harm.

The psychological problems affected his physical health. He is dauntingly skinny. His poor health was a concern amongst his work colleagues & they felt that Trevor needed some medical help. Trevor’s abnormal weight also made his work colleagues suspect that Trevor consumes illicit drugs. Below is the conversation that infers this.

Furman: Frankly, I'm concerned about you.
Trevor: I've had a lot on my mind lately.
Furman: Anything we could help with?
Trevor: No. Thanks. There's nothing I can't handle.
Furman: Want to see the doctor?
Trevor: That's not necessary. I'm fine. Really.
Tucker: Are you doing drugs, Reznik?

People who encounter him ask him if there’s anything wrong but he doesn’t say anything.

Trevor’s girlfriend Stevie says “If you were any thinner, you wouldn't exist.” Strong self-respect or muscular fatigue has made him too tired to eat or his strong superego prevents him from taking Stevie’s help, below is the conversation that infers it.

Stevie: Trevor? You still got a half-hour. I could fix you some eggs.
Trevor: I'm tired. But thanks.

Trevor not just appears to be tired to eat but also to make love with Stevie or maybe his superego prevents him from making love with Stevie. Below is the conversation that infers it.

Stevie: We could do that.
Trevor: I'm so tired.

Anorexia nervosa: In the movie’s end we see a healthy Trevor driving a car & accidently dashing a young boy while he was lighting a cigarette to smoke. Maybe Trevor felt very guilty after the tragic incident & decided to punish self by abstaining from eating healthily. He doesn’t have proper meals & lives on black coffee & pie. The waitress who serves Trevor coffee requests Trevor to eat some more pie & Trevor feels that she is trying to fatten him up. This infers that he constantly keeps a tab on his weight. Even at home he looks at his body in a mirror. It infers obsessive tracking of his weight. One can draw conclusions of some weight or food related disorder i.e. Anorexia nervosa.

Déjà vu scenes:

Stevie asks Trevor “You okay?” Trevor replies “Don’t I look okay?, Stevie then says “If you were any thinner you wouldn't exist.” An exact conversation happens when Trevor is with Marie at an airport restaurant. Marie asks Trevor “You okay?” Trevor replies “Don’t I look okay?” Marie then asks Trevor “If you were any thinner you wouldn't exist.”

In another scene Trevor spends Mother’s Day with Marie & her young son (Nicholas) at an amusement park. He snaps a photo of them & it triggers a déjà vu memory: He recalls a photo taken in exactly the same spot years ago of his mother & himself as a child.

Id, Ego & Superego: Ego tries to maintain a healthy balance between Id & Superego. Trevor’s ego tries to create a balance between his conscious & unconscious. Here Ivan is his superego. Ivan keeps reminding him about the hit & run accident.

Trevor: What have you done with Nicholas?
Ivan: What have I done with Nicholas?
Trevor: Nicholas?
Ivan: He can't hear you now, pal. Come off it. You know he's dead. You ought to see someone about that faulty memory of yours, pal. Might make your life a little easier.

Thus Trevor's superego keeps dominating his ego & he feels troubled. To overpower his superego his ego makes him kills Ivan. After killing Ivan he rolls Ivan’s dead body in a carpet to dump him in a sea. However while unrolling the carpet he finds the carpet empty. Ivan reappears as he’s seen holding a torch. Thus his ego fails to overcome his superego.

In ending scene we can see Trevor driving a car & Ivan sitting next to him. It seems like Ivan persuaded Trevor to confess the hit & run accident. Thus Trevor’s superego eventually makes him realise that he’s a killer, something significant that Trevor had repressed for a long time. Trevor reaches the police station & reports the hit & run accident.

Defence mechanism: The defence mechanisms that Trevor showed were denial, displacement, dissociation, projection, repression. The defence mechanisms were due to his struggle being in a disequilibrium condition. He struggled in that disequilibrium condition due to his mental conflict, many anxieties & psychological problems. All the defence mechanisms Trevor used were primitive. He comes to equilibrium as his superego makes him come to consciousness & he confesses his crime. This resolves his mental conflict & he wishes to sleep.

It’s true that he ran away from the accident scene to escape punishment. However he was destined to suffer in some way thus his superego tortured him much more than the law ever could. Thus “A little guilt goes a long way”

Some incidents of my life similar to this movie

Till 12 years of age I was a mediocre non-vegetarian. I with my family went on a summer vacation me to Haridwar in state of Uttarakhand in India. The temperature was cold & I felt like eating meat to keep my body warm however I wasn’t able to find non-vegetarian restaurants as Haridwar is a spiritual place. I was curious to know how the people lived without eating non-vegetarian food in a cold place. I spoke to some saints & sages & learnt about the pain an animal goes through when it’s killed & cooked for humans. I felt that we humans are the most evolved amongst all species & can’t tolerate pain of physical hurt, pain of losing a family member, etc & animals may also be feeling the same or they may be feeling more pain as their brain isn’t so enhanced like ours. I was horrified to read more about the pain & suffering an animal or bird goes through when another animal or bird is killed in front of it. I felt guilty to have eaten the dead innocent animal’s & bird’s meat for around 8 years of my life. That guilt made me punish self. I became a vegetarian & started eating less food. I wasn’t concerned about losing weight & lost a lot of body mass. My school & college were a bit far from my house but I preferred to walk rather than using transport to punish for the wrongdoing as I was somewhat responsible for many animals that were killed & cooked. This went on till I turned 18.

I was 19 years old & was studying Pharmacy I was required to kill frogs to test drugs on their heart. I reluctantly killed some frogs as it was a part of my course. I felt very horrible & hence didn’t do my Bachelors in Pharmacy as I felt that I’ll be forced to kill more animals & studied Psychology instead. The guilt of killing frogs left me in a deep dark depression. For some days I didn’t eat anything. As I was depressed I used to walk a lot & walking helped me vent my frustration. Long walks everyday having less food daily made me very lean.

Just like some people in the movie suspect Trevor of taking drugs, some of my friends suspected me of taking drugs as I had lost a lot of weight. Trevor’s friend asks Trevor if he requires medical help & a friend of mine had also asked me the same. Trevor’s girlfriend Stevie asks Trevor to eat & Trevor replies that he’s tired. Something similar had happened to me a female friend used to ask me to eat & I used to reply, “I’m too tired to eat.”

For some time I weighed only around 50 kilos only, which is too less for a person of 180 cm height. Eventually I realised that this isn’t the right way to deal with my past wrongdoing & I thought of some other defence mechanism like altruism & sublimation. I decided to help atleast 3 people every week or devote 2 hours per week for others. I stopped thinking about my past & spent time in something productive.

In the movie Trevor suffers from Paranoia & I suffer from Anthropophobia. Trevor is highly introverted & so I am. Trevor suffered from chronic Insomnia & even I suffered from Insomnia but only for some weeks. Just like Trevor used to paste reminder notes on his refrigerator I used to paste reminder notes on my refrigerator.

In year 2006 I suffered from knee pain for a long time, luckily it got cured after a long treatment. Again in the end of year 2011 I started suffering from knee pain. Unfortunately this time many doctors weren’t able to diagnose its cause as X-ray & CT scan didn’t show any abnormality. Some doctors & my friends felt that the knee pain is due to some psychosomatic problems but as I was studying Psychology that time I knew that it wasn’t psychosomatic. Even my parents didn’t believe me & felt that I was lying to them. As many people kept telling me that this disorder is psychosomatic I decided to know whether it’s true. I started to enjoy & party as I felt that if I’ll be happy & tension free I won’t feel any pain. I went to many discos & pubs but didn’t enjoy anything there. I even started taking antidepressant drugs but didn’t find any benefit. Eventually I started visiting dance bars & enjoyed the company of some bar girls. I even fell in love with a bar girl just like Trevor gets into a relationship with a hooker. Trevor enjoyed women’s company & was also at peace when he is with them as he looked calm & revealed his tender side but in reality he was emaciated & depressed. Similarly I enjoyed women’s company as they weren’t aggressive. They listen & don’t jump to conclusions & drop a solution bomb. I felt peaceful & serene whenever I spent time with any woman & made them laugh, showed compassion, even when I was tensed due to my knee pain. Just like Trevor got solace by being with Stevie even I got solace by spending time with a bar girl & seeing her dance. Just like Trevor spent money on Stevie. I spent a lot of money on her. Just like Stevie gave Trevor unconditional affection & love. I got unconditional affection & love from her. I was always happy with her but still my knee pained. I realised that my problem wasn’t psychosomatic. Just like Trevor’s relationship with Stevie broke due to a bald man Ivan, even my relationship with that girl broke due to a bald man.

Just like Trevor used to visit an airport restaurant to have coffee & pie & left tips, even I used to visit an airport to have anything & left tips.

N.B. If you’re below 19 years old then I would recommend you to not watch this movie as it contains profane words, ugly scenes, & the story is a bit painful as it deals with a man suffering.

References: -


1. Kosar, Scott. The Machinist. English. Directed by Scott Kosar. Produced by Julio Fernández, Antonia Nava Carlos Fernández. Performed by Christian Bale. Paramount Vantage, 2004.

2. American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 2000.